


Dear Friend

by madbrosis78



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 17:12:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1175692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madbrosis78/pseuds/madbrosis78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is optimistic. Or as optimistic as he can be. He would never consider himself happy, at least not in the beginning. As he sees it, there's always the possibility he'll find a happiness in someone else and he can carry that with him wherever he goes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> {I aim for this story to be different from anything else I have written and will probably write in the future. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I will and I thank you for reading. :)
> 
> I also plan on making a sequel, and if possible, a third book. We'll just have to see!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own the boys (Liam, Zayn, Niall, Harry, or Louis). They did not say or do these things, this is purely a work of fiction.
> 
> I do, however, own the written work of this piece. That is all, thank you. :) -M }

-Introduction-  
Time is unexplainable. 

For so many events take place, so many people are met, and many things are done that it is hard to take the time and think about it.

Yet people say phrases like, "Time heals all wounds," and "It gets better with time," and "Only time will tell," as if they know what time does, but does it really? It might for others, but my wounds are large, it won't get better with time, and time is telling whether or not I die today or I die tomorrow.

It's a fact we all have to face, we will die and so will the memories of us and what we stood for. We'll soon fade out of everyone's life and they'll only remember when it is the anniversury of our death. It's the unbearable truth, but it happens everyday, some of us just don't realize that.

So for now, I live life in the present, don't get caught up in the past and look forward to the possible future of tomorrow with those I love. Hopefully, things will be in my favor and I won't hurt those around me. Maybe I will be someone somebody else actually remembers for an eternity.

 

CHAPTER ONE  
Dear friend,

My life has been a bit hectic, as you know, for I have sent you letters with day by day or week by week updates. I thank you for listening to my plea and not replying and taking the time just to read and listen to me. I wish more people would just listen, but we both know that's a bit impossible.

They are upset with me. I would be as well, in fact I am upset with myself. It was stupid of me to do what I did. I was selfish and didn't think of them or anyone else, not even him.

I regret doing it, trying to do it. I regret putting all the ones I love and care about in that situation. It was stupid of me and I know I will never do it again.

You could say I'm getting better. The days don't seem to drag out like the first few weeks being here. The thoughts I was having before are beginning to fade away just like the summer sun. Visitors always seem to cheer me up, they help me feel less lonely and help keep those thoughts out of my mind. However, the only visitors that stop by are my mother and sisters, none of them stop by. My sisters are all little balls of sunshine that help move the ever so large thunder clouds away from me. Needless to say, my family are my main supporters and I love them now more than ever.

I still wish he would stop by. Even with my glowing girls and nurturing mother, I have that empty feeling within my chest that I wish would go away, but only he can heal it, only he can fill that gap. He is the only one I trust, care for as more than a friend, and will do anythig for.

He is the only one I love.

I love him with every fiber of my being. I have loved him from the beginning and I'll love him till the end. I loved him then, I love now, I'll love him forever. Even though his heart is filled with hatred toward me, I will never be able to return that feeling. Even though he is miles and miles away from me, I'll hold on to the memories we shared, the words that were said, and the feelings I had when we were together.

I know it all sounds sappy and girly and not something you want to hear or read, but it is how I feel. I know you may not know the feeling, not able to feel happiness, maybe I am as well, but at the time I was. I was happy. It's almost hard to believe after all the shit that has happened in such a short amount of time, but I was and it was a glorious feeling.

Now, everything is grey. Plain old boring grey and I can't seem to find any color. I am grey, you are grey, the whole world is fucking grey and I'm tired of it! I want to see the colors of the changing leaves, of the blue sky. The color of his eyes. Oh his eyes! A beautiful evergreen that can send shivers down my spine with just one look. The same eyes that were filled with so much love, so much care, and at times so much lust. The same eyes that look at me with anger, sorrow, and remorse. The same eyes I still love and will always love.

It pains me knowing that I will always love him and he will never be able to love me again. I will never be his again. He will never be mine. We will never be each others.

But I have a spark of hope at random moments throughout the day when I am thinking of him.

Maybe he is over it.

Maybe he realizes why I did it.

Maybe he'll understand.

Maybe he'll stop by and for once listen to what I have to say.

Maybe everything will be alright-everything will be okay.

Maybe he will come to see me before I leave. Before I go on to a new life.

The many maybe's cloud my mind when I am hopeful, but then reality seeps in and I know my imagination is getting the best of me. I know I must face facts, face the truth, and see that he doesn't care and there is the possibility that he never cared. I must realize that he has probably moved on to someone less broken, less like me, and he is happier with them than he'd ever be with me.

But I wouldn't know.

He never stops by or writes a simple letter. I don't think he will so I am not expecting it to happen.

Maybe it's for the better.

 

~~~  
Some of them showed up today, Liam and Niall (the boyfriends) that is. I was surprised to see them considering they all hated me, at least last I assumed they did, "Hi, Louis," Liam had greeted. I didn't want things to be the way he made them seem. I didn't want our friendship, more what out friendship was, to be filled with awkward pauses that make me think. I hate thinking.

"How have you been, Louis?" Niall asked interrupting my thoughts.

I shrug, "The councilors and doctors seem to say I am making many improvements. Treatement and therapy seem to be helping. "

"That's great, Louis! You'll be out of here before you know it, won't ya?" Niall said. I loved his optimism. He never failed to make me smile and right now, I need to smile; it helps me heal.

"I sure hope so. I can't wait to be out of this hell hole and home. I miss you guys. I miss you so much," I replied, tears beginning to form paths down my cheeks. I thought I wouldn't cry when they came, then again I never thought they'd come to see me, "I just hope I make it home."

"We miss you too. We really do. You were always the jokester, a shoulder to cry on, the person to dry our tears. We have found some sort of comfort in each other, but nothing compares to the comfort you gave to us when we needed it most," Liam explained to me. He really knew what to say and when to say it. He was the sweetest.

"I am so sorry for leaving all of you. I am sorry for everything I have put all of you through," I said as an apology, trying my best to not make it sound like an excuse.

"It's okay, Harry. It's alright. Buy why, why were you so upset with the world?" Niall asked.

I was still upset with the world.

However, I don't know what caused me to be angry at every person I met and myself. The people I hung out with where nice, helpful, caring and down to earth. They all cared for me, each of them were my best friend and all comforted me when I lost my sanity, when I was stressed due to my relationships with other people or school, when I simply couldn't take it anymore. They helped or at least tried to, but I was too far gone, too far lost in the darkness that is my mind and thoughts. Time away from them was probably the main contributor to why I went bitter. I didn't have their support and it killed me knowing they would probably never cone back to me. Eventually they did, but as I said before, I was lost. I was in pain. I was dying.

"Time," is my simple reply to Niall's ridiculous question. I could tell he didn't understand when he gave me a confused look and cocked his head to the side. Liam's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to dig deeper and understand my answer. I decided it isn't worth explaining, they'd never understand anyways, and changed the subject, "How is he?"

They both knew who I was referring to. They both knew of the events that took place between myself and him. And they both knew that we once loved each other deeply, but only one of us still loves the other.

They each gave me a blank stare and I asked again. They shared looks of confusion and then Liam spoke up, "H-He's fine, Louis."

"Has he moved on yet?" I asked. I didn't want it to seem like I cared, but Liam and Niall knew me better than that to know that I cared more than I should have.

"He hasn't, not yet, Louis," Liam answered again.

It came as a bit of a shock. I thought by now, around four months later, he would be with some other bloke, trying his best to forget me and our past. Maybe he is failing to forget of it all, just like I have. My thoughts were interrupted when an Irish accent began to speak.

"There's still time, Louis. You can still get him back. He isn't gone forever, you still have your chance," Niall claimed. Niall was right, there was time, but there is always time. I needed an opportunity. I needed the perfect opportunity to tell him everything I was feeling, all of my thoughts, feelings, and all of my answers. I needed to see him in order to do so, but the chance of that happening was slim to none.

"You're right, Niall, but my time is running out and he doesn't have time for me," I had replied.

~~~  
We had spent the rest of their visit playing card games and talking nonsense. I didn't know how much I would miss these days until they were taken away from me. How much I missed spending time with them. They had all seemed to move on from the past couple months and it kills me inside, because I am not doing the same. They all seemed so happy and filled with the most amount of joy any being could hold, yet I am still stuck on yesterday. I am still stuck in my thoughts and I think I will always be this way until I get help. No, not a doctor's help or the help of a painkiller among other various drugs, but his help. He can heal me, but no one listens to my pleas as I ask for him. I ask even though I know he will not show.

He hates me.

"We better get going, Lou," Liam begins as he collected the cards, "It was nice to see you, catch up a little and spend time like we used to."

"Like we used to," his words sent a pang my way and I frown slightly, knowing I had caused it all to happen, I was the reason we are here and things are not at all what they were more than six months ago.

"He didn't mean it like that, Lou, you know that," Niall said sensing my sorrow but wanting to defend the one he loves.

"I know. I'm sorry for taking it that way. I know he wouldn't mean that."

Both blokes nod slightly and stand retrieving their coats from where they had tossed them several hours ago. As they buttoned and zipped up their jackets, I stood myself and gave each a tight hug, trying to hang on as long as I could. Remembering how they feel in my arms, I may not see them for a while.

Niall walked in front of Liam as they leave. But before Liam closed the door behind him, he speaks five words I thought I would never hear for as long as I walked this bloody planet. His words made me want to jump for joy yet cry all at once. They made me nervous, anxious, terrified. And I had been praying and waiting for these words to be said by someone, anyone.

"He wants to see you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter that was written was the most recent letter sent by Louis, let's just call that letter the present day letter. The next few chapters will be of letters that were sent before. These letters are more the beginning to everything that had happened and will help you understand the troubles Louis had gone through to get to where is his in the present day letter. I do not add dates (I suck at time), I believe you can infer what time of year it is by reading. With that said, if you have any questions, feel free to comment them. Now go on and read my friends. :) Lot of love! ~M

Several Months Earlier

Dear Friend,

I am writing to you because he told me to contact you. He said you could be my way of release. He also mentioned that you are a great listener, and only a listener. You don't interrupt or reply to any messages that are sent to you and that is someone I must talk to. Someone who listens.

He also said you understand and you didn't mean to do what you did, it just happened. But you are not one to regret your doings and you simply move on, not dreading the past, but looking forward to the future and living in the present. You seem like someone who has lived. Someone who knows the true meaning of living and for that I look up to you along with others around you. I hope you realize that people do care and are appreciative of you and what you do for everyone else.

I know you don't know who I am, and I'd like to keep it that way. There is no need to know who I am, I just need you to listen. I have used different names for the people I talk about (along with my own), but their personalities and everything else about them stays the same. Surely you know why I do this; I don't want my identity to be exposed.

So this is my life and I know it may seem boring, but my thoughts are what seem to make up my life and I must share them with someone before I get too lost and I am exposed to the world in the most negative ways. I want to tell you that I am sad, but not the crying type of sad, the deeper sad. The type of sad that makes you wonder if anything is worth it anymore.

 

~~~

For the sake of my story, I must start the very first day of the year and work my way up to where I stand in the beginning of the school year.

Wednesday, January 1st, 2014.

To you and anyone else, it might be a simple date but to me it was the beginning. Now not the beginning of my down hill fall, but the beginning.

I had made a few new year resolutions. You know the things that people always say they will do and accomplish by the end of the year, but we all know that never happens and we write them just to feel better about ourselves.

I had written the typical resolutions...

I'll eat healthier.

I'll do better in school.

But one of my resolutions was different and I hadn't even realized I had written it down until I read over it just the other day.

I'll be happy.

It had never occurred to me that I was sad. Now looking back, I realize I was only faking my happiness. Everyone around me had found things and other people that made them happy and I wasn't one of them. I was more a burden to everyone.

Except Zayn.

Zayn, my best friend, my only friend. I hope we're still friends, we haven't talked since that night in the tree house and I was worried that it was going cause him to hate me. But Zayn is the most understanding person I know, surely he would understand.

Anyways, the beginning of the year was when I realized I wasn't happy. I wasn't my bubbly self and it scared me. It scared me shitless. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to be unhappy. I have a loving family who love me deeply and a good friend who would always pick me up when I had fallen, what more could I want? What more could I need?

Do you know what it feels like to be happy, but sad all at the same time? Do you know what it's like to feel that way, but have no clue why? I wish I could meet someone who does know the feeling and can relate to how I am feeling now, but I don't think I will unless they are great at hiding their secrets, more people seem to be that way these days....

 

Now it is eight months later, Wednesday, August 6th, the first day of school; the first day of sophomore year and to start my day off, my mother had called me down to breakfast.Freshman year had been alright. Nothing note worthy or memorable had happened, but nothing memorable happens to lil' ole me. Maybe this year will be more memorable.

I ate breakfast with my sisters; all of them giggling and talking about all the new friends they're going to make and how much fun the new school year was going to be for them. I simply sat there smiling along when they acknowledged me and when Lottie asked me what my plans were for the school year, I shrugged and answered, "It's all a surprise." She seemed confused but shook her head and continued to giggle and gossip with her other siblings.

I finished breakfast quickly and made my way out the door, making sure to grab my school bag, and walked to school that was only a few blocks away. I sighed as I approached the newer looking building, had they installed new windows? I notice people laughing with their friends as they walk into the high school, others loudly greeted each other with hugs and pats on the back-mainly guys did this but girls were the ones to hug and obnoxiously yell to their friends. I stood observing the people all around me when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look and was pleased to see a familiar face.

"Now tell me all about the person you banged this summer," the dark hair boy smiled playfully. The sun made his face glow and his big, brown beautiful eyes showed much care and love. He nudged me and threw his arm around my shoulders and I grinned at his action, blushing slightly, "So how excited are you for another year of complete torture and headache?" Zayn asks sarcastically. oh how I missed his humor over the summer.

"I am ever so thrilled. Joy is just running through every vain of my body, but I hide it so those around me don't become jealous of all the happiness I hold within myself."

"God, Louis!" Zayn laughed as we entered school and our day had begun.

"What classes do you have?" Zayn asked. I showed him my schedule and a smile spread across his lips, "Sounds like we are going to have a year of shits and giggles, all of our classes are exactly the same!" I returned a smile as we walked to our first class.

Maybe it was going to be a memorable year.

 

The first day of school was different than the first day of school last year. Zayn and I both had honors classes and therefore were in classes with older students, which was absolutely fine, just quite scary and really not my thing.

As the day dragged out and Zayn and I moved from class to class we came to our stopping point and finished the day with our honors english class. I have been told I am an alright author, many adults find my work to be something else while other students wouldn't give a damn about it. With that said, I was quite excited for our english class; in all honesty, it was the only thing I had been looking forward to.

We were seated and Mr. Martin had begun the class asking basic trivial questions that the class couldn't answer, except for Zayn and I. However, being the small sophomores we were didn't raise our hands to answer until we were both called on and both nailed the question. Mr. Martin seemed surprised with our replies and smiled to the both of us when we answered correctly. At least I was starting out on his good side.

Once the bell had rung and the class filed out of class, Zayn and I were stopped by Mr. Martin, "You both know your english trivia, but the two of you are quiet and seem scared to death. Is there any way I can get you two to start participating in class discussion?"

Zayn and I looked to each other. No. There was no way you could get us to speak in front of the older ones, neither of us liked the idea of getting judged for actually enjoying literature.

"I'd rather not speak at all," I replied. Mr. Martin was confused and before he could ask another question Zayn interrupted him.

"I don't think either of us enjoy speaking in front of a large amount of people and would rather not share with the class."

"I understand. Well if that's the case then would you like an opportunity to get extra credit," Mr. Martin asked sitting down at his desk then whispering to us as we walked toward him, "I don't think this class will move very quickly." Zayn and I both chuckled as Mr. Martin opened a drawer and pulled out a few packets of paper.

"These packets include several prompts and reading assignments. Choose three prompts to complete and at least one reading assignment, complete them, turn them into me before the last day of the semester and you automatically get an A for the whole semester. I'm sure you'll both do fine with the cirricular work," Mr. Martin said with a smile handing us each a packet.

We said our thank you's and good-bye's and left the class room. "He's a nice lad," Zayn commented, "I think he's my favorite teacher." I nod along as I read through a few of the prompts, mentally checking the ones I found interesting.

"Ow! You don't gotta pull so hard, mate! Don't wanna break my arms would ya now?" I heard a thick Irish accent say. He sounded as if he were in pain and I look up to see a blonde lad getting the beat down.

"Louis, don't even think about it. Keep on walking," Zayn whispered in my ear trying to pull me away from the direction I was going in. I couldn't help it. It was my instinct to go over there and pry the two older boys off of the blonde and just go at it, but I had some common sense and decided to handle it in a different way.

"HEY!" I shouted, "Get off him!"

Yep, it was totally going to work.

I took a few steps closer to the biggest bloke and pushed him slightly. He turned his attention to me and his eyes filled with anger, then softened as he saw it was only little Louis and smirked, "What do you want, kid?" He spat.

"Can you just stop hurting him," I said sternly.

"Oh, you want me to stop hurting him. You mean stop doing this?" He twisted the blonde's arm and the blonde screamed out in pain. "Or this?" He older boy kneed the younger in the stomach and the blonde doubled over in pain wheezing as he spoke.

"You can go, kid. It's fine. They won't hurt me too much, they still need me in order to win tomorrow's game. Isn't that right, lads?" The blonde smirked at the bigger boys before he was kicked and pushed to the hot pavement.

"I don't know why you bother. He's a piece of shit, ain't worth anything. Don't bother wasting your time." It was the bullies last words before turning the opposite direction and leaving the scene.

"Are you alright?" I questioned helping the lad get to a sitting position, his back against a fence. I got a better look at him this way and found he wasn't a complete blonde, but had traces of a darker brown and his eyes were a piercing blue. He smiled weakly as he replied, "Eh, I've been better."

"God, why were they being such pricks? What did you ever do to them?" I asked scrapping off debris from his soft face.

"I'm gay so apparently that's what I did to them. I like boys and apparently I have done them wrong by doing so. Who needs 'em anyways? They're just dickheads that don't give a flying fuck about anyone else in this hell hole," the boy commented as he threw a handful of dirt across the pavement, "Thanks for helping me out. The name's Niall," he greets sticking his hand out to shake.

"Louis," I reply.

"Louis like the Prince?"

"I guess so," I say.

"Well thank you, Louis. Now, I'll just be on my way," Niall says trying to stand on his own. He finally gets on his feet and begins to walk, but with a limp and I can't let the lad walk away like that.

"Niall, stop. Come on, you're coming with Zayn and I."

"Louis, look, it was nice and all-"

"Niall, you're coming with us," I interrupted. He looked shocked but must have realized that it would be stupid to walk home in his condition so he limped over and Zayn and I helped him to Zayn's new car and we drove back to my place.

 

It's funny how things happen, isn't it?

I could have listened to Zayn and completely ignored the whole fight between Niall and the bigger and broader boys, but then I wouldn't have a new friend. I wouldn't be sitting here writing this letter while my friends play on the game console and talk nonsense. I wouldn't be feeling a sense of happiness, joy, and pride.

Yes, it's definitely funny how things happen.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Friend,

I am not sure if you believe in God or the Bible, I am unaware of your religious status and beliefs, but I must share my thoughts with you.

I believe God had planned for me to help Niall. I believe He planned for me to befriend him. Not simply because Niall is another friend, but he helps me out and I could really use the help some times. I believe it was planned by him for me to find someone who can lift my spirits and make me feel some happiness once in a while.

I also believe God planned for me to tell Zayn the truth, because it brought us closer together. And in many ways. The summer was a slight break for both of us and I think during that time, Zayn and I both realized what life was like without the other. It was an eye-opener.

I know you're probably wondering what I'm talking about, and I promise I will get to it eventually, I just don't feel comfortable sharing it now. I hope you understand. I mean nothing bad by it, promise.

 

Niall had introduced Zayn and I to his friend, Liam. The lad was nice and quite quiet, but then again, all of us sort of are, except Niall. Niall's the life of the party, there's never a dull moment with him. He's the type of person who is happy all the time and is always trying to share it with everyone else. Sometimes I wonder if his happiness is a cover. A mask and hidden behind is so much sadness and anger that he doesn't want anyone to know about. I wish I could ask him without things getting awkward, maybe I'll ask him when we're closer friends.

The four of us, Zayn, Liam, Niall, and myself, all ate lunch together and talked about the teachers, the students who were already our least favorites, the sports Niall and Liam participate in (Niall being soccer and Liam being American football), Zayn made sarcastic remarks about stupid things, and I quietly sit observing them. It sounds creepy, I know, but I only ever had Zayn and now I had two new friends who act so different from him and it was interesting.

We had many laughs today and I was finally getting the feeling that I belonged in this world, in this state, in this school, with these people who might actually care about me and what I have to say. Maybe it was were I belonged; with the three lads in the lunchroom laughing away and just enjoying the little things life has to give.

"Louis?" Liam silently questioned as we walked out of thee cafeteria.

"Yes, Liam?" I asked back wondering what he needed.

"Uhm, uh, er, nevermind, it's nothing," he replied.

"Ah come on, what is it, mate?" I asked again and I nudged his shoulder showing him I am someone he can trust.

"Well, do you-are you. I don't want to sound rude, but do you like boys?" Liam sheepishly asked.

I stopped dead in my tracks. How did he know? Is it that obvious? "Uh, y-yeah, but h-how did you know?" I stuttered.

"Your eyes always sparkle when he enters the room and you can't help but blush when he talks to you. I think you like him," Liam whispered in my ear.

"Uh, I...I, I have to go. I'll see you 'round, Liam," Before I could sprint off, he grabbed my hand and spun me around. It didn't hurt, but it was surprising coming from Liam.

"It's okay Harry. I am too. Okay. It's okay. I understand. But please understand that you can tell me anything. I know we're new friends and all, but you seem like a cool lad. And I know I'm a football player and I should be acting like the stererotypical jock, but really I'm just like you, trying to fit in, trying to find my place in this world," Liam explained and I couldn't help but put all my trust in him as I spoke.

"I do like boys. And yes I like Zayn."

I sighed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I'd been trying not to tell anyone, not anyone and now someone finally knew. I just had to hope he didn't dare tell anyone, but Liam didn't seem like the type to tell.

Liam smiled when I admitted my likeness toward Zayn and I couldn't help but blush under his caring stare, "It's okay to admit it, Lou. Now you just have to tell him, because I'm pretty convinced he feels the same way," he grinned even wider when I looked at him puzzled.

Althought I already knew the truth.

 

 

The week continued on and Liam kept smirking and nudging me when Zayn said or acted out in some way. My cheeks were on fire and I kept looking at the ground as I playfully hit Liam whenever he made a remark. He was instantly a good friend who could just tell when I was cheerful or in the dumps. He was the friend I had always wanted. And yes I had Zayn, I always had Zayn, but Liam was a different type of friend.

The four of us were walking down the halls when suddenly I ran into a very tall person. He turned to me to say something then stopped before anything could slip past his lips. His eyes softened and he turned back around. I shook my head, escaping my daze as I laughed with the other lads.

I couldn't help but look over my shoulder at the curly brown haired boy as he walked in the opposite direction. There was the slight hope that he would turn to look at me, but it vanished within one moment when we turned the corner.

Later that night, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

The way his curls bounced with each step as he walked away. The way his evergreen eyes softened when he took one look at me. His lips that looked so, so soft when he was going to say something but didn't. And it only made me wonder what his voice sounded like.

I wanted to know everything about him.

Every habit he has. Every book he's read. Every movie he's watched. Every person he's cried over, if he had cried over anyone. Every heart break. Every mistake. Every moment of his life. Every secret he held.

I wanted to know it all.

I needed to know.

"So how was your day, Lou?" Liam asked over the phone. He had called to ask for the math homework and we ended up off topic, I'd be surprised if he even finishes it.

"It was alright. Haha, Niall pulling down Zayn's pants was probably the highlight of my day," I replied. It was all a lie, the highlight of my day was running into the tall boy.

"I bet you liked that, huh?" Liam teased. I could almost see the smirk he'd have on his face if we were talking face to face and the wink he'd give me. Even though he wasn't there, I still blushed, "Aww, now I bet you're blushing!" Gosh dammint, how did he know that? 

"Are you sure you aren't like outside my window, because that's just freaky, Liam!" 

"Oh so you are blushing?! Aww how cute!" Liam exclaimed. 

"Ugh! Really! Shut up! You're embarrassing me!" 

"Oh fine, fine I'll stop. I'll stop," Liam surrendered. 

"Uhm, do you know a boy with curly brown hair? He's really tall. Oh, and he has green eyes," I rushed. 

"Whoa, Louis, slow down, Mate! Yeah I know him, but I've heard he's bad news," Liam said quitely.

"What's his name?" I questioned.

"It's Styles. I think. Yeah, Styles. Or at least everybody calls him that. I don't remember his first name," Liam answered. I heard a huff and shuffling on the other line and assumed Liam had laid down on his bed, probably looking through some "naughty" magazine. Naughty, naughty Liam. I thought to myself. 

"Why is he 'bad news'?" I asked curious. 

"He's just known to be a bad kid. He's been around...A LOT. Most people are surprised he doesn't have STDs yet. He doesn't get the best grades either. I heard the highest grade he's gotten is a D+. Now that's a shit grade. At least I'm passing with my C's. Anyways, he doesn't seem to stay with anyone either. It's always a one night thing for him, no commitment whatsoever. But I have to admit, he is so fucking hot, no wonder women can't say no to him. If I got his ass in my bed, oh dear goodness gracious, heaven help me," Liam went on, "Too bad he's straight." 

I laughed at Liam's reply. I never realized he was so funny, where the hell was all of this coming from? "Well maybe one day you can turn him gay and get him in your bed, eh? Why haven't I seen him at all this year until today?" 

"Oh," Liam paused probably talking a drink, "He was suspended the first day for the first two weeks. Now he's back I guess. That or he just didn't care to show up and someone finally talked to him, probably forced him more than talked, to get him to go return to school." 

"Really? Well what grade is he in?"

"Ours."

"No shit? He's that tall and he's only a sophomore?" 

"I know!" Liam paused and I heard a muffled voice in the background, must be his Mum, "Oh man, I gotta go. See ya tomorrow."

"Alright, bye Liam."

"Louis.....I have a boner. And now I have to go see my mom, do you know how hard this is going to be?" 

I couldn't help but laugh, "I honestly cannot believe you just said that."

"Well I'm just being honest."

"I didn't need to know!"

"Oh of course you did."

"Why on Earth would I need to know that?"

"You need to know in order to know more about me. As you can now tell, I am a very horny teenager who feels the need to share everything with everyone and he has a mother waiting for him to get downstairs to help with dinner so he must be going."

I chuckled, "Alright Liam. Good night."

Liam certainly is an interesting character.

 

 

Let me share something with you.

When I was younger, around five or six years of age, some things happened to me. I didn't know why they did. I didn't know why the one person I thought I could trust most did it, it just happened. I always thought it was my fault. I always thought I was a "bad boy" so I should, I must, be punished for my actions. It turns out I wasn't and I had put my trust into the hands of the wrong person. He lied to me. He straight up lied to me and for that I will never fogive him for what he did, no matter how much I know it would help me move on, I refuse to give in to him.

I refuse to give him any more power than what he had before he was taken away.

I must also share that because of these events that had taken place when I was younger, I had not grown up the way other kids my age had.

I had grown up in constant fear.

Every sound of the creaking floorboards terrified me because I always thought he was back and coming up to my room, back to hurt me. I couldn't sleep in the same room as my mum or sisters, I was too afraid something would happen to me or them, because I caused it to. No matter what negative thing happened when I was a child, I always thought it was my fault. I always thought I did it. He made me that way. He forced me to think that way, afterall, that's how he kept his power.

"You see this? This is because of you!"

"You know why your sister's hurt? It's because you did it."

"You filfty, disgusting, waste of space, money and time. You're nothing but a piece of shit. You cause nothing but trouble. Why do I keep you anyways? Oh, yes you know why don't you?" 

Of course I knew why.

I knew why he did everything to me, or at least I thought I did. He wanted me for his own benefits. He wanted to use me one day and throw me out the next like a piece of trash, after all that's what I was wasn't I? 

I guess it was his own words that had begun to display in my actions. I didn't care. I became nothing. I became what he wanted me to be just so he could feel better about himself. Just so he could feel proud. And my six year old self? I felt worthless. I felt empty. I felt alone. I was hopeless.

Then one day everything changed. My world shifted and he was gone. 100% gone and out of my life. I didn't know where he went, I didn't need to. There was no need in knowing, I could assume. Once he was gone, I finally felt relieve. All the things he did to me were painful, but the moment I was told he was going to be gone for a long while made all the tension in my body fade away.

I felt like I could become my own person. I felt as if I could actually live my life the way I wanted without him always there watching my every move and criticizing everything I'd done. I felt awakened after so long of being asleep and unconscious. I felt like I was released out of the chains that bound me down. I felt free.

I know I was young. Young, innocent, naive, childish, but I knew the feeling of being chained down and I could finally experience life as a normal kid. I was finally normal.

Or at least I felt that way.

But kids teased me for things he did. They said I was the freaky son, the child all other kids should avoid at all costs; who knew what kind of diseases I would spread. I was the different kid. I was the outcast and I would always be an outcast.

Until now.

It only took around ten years for someone to except me. For someone to look pass everything that happened in my past and just like me. I'm not at all exciting, in all honesty it's Zayn who's the more exciting one, but they still liked me and it made me happy to know that at least a few people were willing to be my friends. I just didn't know how good of friends they would be to me.

There was the chance that they would leave me once I told them, if I told them, of the things that man did to me. But there is also the chance that they will take sympathy in me and be there to hug me tight and whisper that it was going to be alright, that I was okay.

I just didn't know which one it would be.

 

 

I know throughout this letter I had mentioned Zayn and I had told you a few things that no one else knows about me. You know I do in fact like people of the same gender. I do like boys and I like one boy in particular. Now I must tell you that the black haired boy and I are in fact a couple. I love him deeply and maybe not in the way of a soul mate yet, but I love him deeply as a friend. He is the best friend I have ever had and I actually feel a sense of happiness being in his presence. 

I know that you may not agree with my sexuality or "lifestyle" (all of that's shit anyways), but it is how I am and I just wanted to be honest with you. I hope you understand and don't think differently of me now. No worries, I'm still the same screwed up little boy I was before I told you so please don't hate me for one little thing about myself.

I'm still me and I'm still sad and happy all at the same time and even more confused than before.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Friend,

People will always tell you that life is about trying new things that you don't know what things will be like if you don't try it out, blah, blah, blah. I personally believe it's stupid and high on my list of bullshit, but sometimes I take a leap of faith and do things I normally wouldn't. Most of the time, it ends in me locking myself in my room wishing I could disappear. But every once in a while, things went my way and this was one of those times.

Niall and Liam are both very active. They both play a sport, maintain good grades, and are in the upcoming school play "Footloose" as two supporting characters. I have no idea how they can keep up with everything they have on their plates, but I guess they have managed well so far.

I had gone to one of their drama practices, since I had no ride home and nothing better to do. They were all over the place helping others with things they needed to get done. They painted sets, created props, helped run lines, they did it all. I tried not to pay attention to them and focus on my writing prompt, however, I was absolutely amazed by these two boys and all they do for others I couldn't pay attention to my work. If I hadn't known them, I would have thought they were stuck up pricks, but they aren't at all and I knew then that I chose the right friends.

"You know, Louis," Niall began, taking a bite of his sandwich he had packed for after drama club, "You could always join. We could always use an extra hand."

"Eh, I'm not so sure."

"Aye, come on, Lou! You know you'd enjoy it! I mean even Zayn joined, that must be a major pro, right?" Liam winked.

"Come on! You're best mate is in the club, you might as well join! It would be fun and you wouldn't have to act, you could be a prop or set guy, which ever you want to do!" Niall tried to persuade.

"I'm really not so sure...." I trailed off.

"Just give it a try. We can take you home if you can't get a ride, we're always here. Really, Lou, we could use your help and you could use this time to interact with people." Liam did make a good point. Him and Niall are always moving from one group to the next, interacting and conversing with so many other people that I felt kind of lonely when they left. If I were to join drama then maybe I'd make a few more friends and I'd become like Liam and Niall.

"Alright, alright, alright. Fine, I'll join, but you have to make me a sandwich everyday for after drama, alright?" I asked coming to a deal with the blonde Irish lad.

"Agreed! This will be great, the four of us in one place getting to know each other, helping put on a wonderful production, just perfect!" Niall exclaimed nearly throwing his sandwich out of his hands in excitement.

I smlied as Liam slung an arm around my shoulders and laughed at Niall's silliness, maybe this was a good new thing.

 

~~~

"Good afternoon students! I hope you had a wonderful weekend and your seven hours of school weren't complete torture. Now let's get back to work!" Mr. Walter, the drama director, said with a clap, "Alright, I need one group to work on props, another to run lines, someone help, uh, that kid with with the lights or whatever, so come on get to work then! Niall, Liam and their friends, please come with me."

People split up into their own small groups and got to work almost instantly as my group of four followed Mr. Walter throughout the class room. He stopped several times to direct students to where they should be working. We finally made it to his own little office when he closed the door.

"Alright boys. It's great that the four of you joined. Yay, yippie more kids to babysit. Okay, in all honesty you four aren't all that bad, at least you aren't like some other kids. Anyways, I need you boys, Niall and Liam, to get more people interested in acting in the play. We have far too many people who are shy little twats and don't want to perform."

Mr. Walter was one to kid, and I found him quite humorous and one of the funnest teachers, "We still need someone to audition for Ren and a few more supporting characters. If you know anyone interested, great talk to them! If not, just force someone against their will, then they'll do it!"

"I'll play a supporting character. I don't really fit the part of Ren," Zayn said.

"That's wonderful Zayn!" Mr. Walter exclaimed writing down Zayn's name next to the part he'd be playing. He looked to me and suddenly the rest of the lads were looking as well. I know they were expecting me to say something, to volunteer myself to play on of the parts, but I wasn't that type of person. I didn't act. "Well, Louis, which part do you want to audition for?" 

"Uhmmm...."

"You'd make a good Ren," Niall commented. Liam nodded in agreement.

"You'd be the best Ren, Louis," Zayn said agreeing with the other two. I blushed slightly. I didn't want to let them down, but I didn't want to be the center of attention either. Why did I sign up for this?

"I'd have to agree with them. You're perfect for the part," Mr. Walter noted, "It's not set in stone, I still need you to audition for the part. Do you think you can do it?"

Can I do it? Hell no. Will I try? I guess so.

"Okay, yeah, I can do it," I finally answered. Oh dear Lord help me, I thought to myself.

"Marvelous! Well now go get others to sign up! Auditions are Wednesday after school, I hope to see you, Mr. Tomlinson," Mr. Walter said with a smirk on his face. He stood and we shook hands. The four of us returning to the stage and helping around there.

Honestly, what have I gotten myself into?

 

I didn't really want to audition for the leading role, but as I thought more about it, the idea didn't seem so crazy and I began to like it more and more. It wouldn't be bad to be noticed, would it? It wouldn't be bad to be the center of attention for a little while, would it? Just to be acknowledged of my existence would be great and almost a dream come true. I just hoped my mum would be alright with the idea of me acting in a school play.

"Mum?" I asked quietly knocking on her door, "Do you have a moment?"

"Of course Sweetie, what is it?" She asked sitting up and beckoning me over to join her on the bed, "What's up with my little Lou Bear?"

Did she really have to use that nickname?

"Uhm, well, as you know I have joined the drama club, committee, whatever you wish to call it, and I would like to tell you that I am actually going to audition for the lead role. So Ren, yes, I'm auditioning as Ren," I said trying to convince myself that I was in fact auditioning for the role.

"That's great, Sweetie-Pie! I'm so proud of you for finally coming out of your shell and wanting to try new things!" She drew me into a bear hug and kissed my forehead before pulling back and looking into my eyes, "I am so, so proud of you!"

I smiled. My mum always seemed to know how to make me happy and feel better about myself. She was a great supporter and helped me when things got rough. I love her so much and wouldn't know what I would do without her. She was my role model without a doubt and I cherished every moment we got that was just us.

"Thanks, mum. I was kind of worried you would think it was stupid and pointless," I say hanging my head.

She lifted my chin, "I would never find anything you do stupid or pointless. Okay? I wil support you with every desicion you make, Honey."

"Thanks, Mum," I smiled, hugging her yet again before leaving the room. She stopped me at the door.

"How's Zayn, Lou?"

"He's fine, Mum."

"And how is the relationship with you two going?"

I blushed once again and smiled slightly, "Things are going fine, Mum."

"Alright, Sweetie. I'll see you in the morning. Don't forget to say goodnight to your sisters. Maybe read them a story before bed," she smiled.

"Good night, Mum," I say closing the door and turning off the lights and then made my way to my sisters' rooms to say good night.

I love how supportive my family is now.

 

 

~~~

"Alright, alright, would all of you rug-rats take your seats already?" Mr. Walter yelled as tried to calm down the class. I sat watching all the standing and laughing students in the auditorium go running toward a seat. Niall huffed as he sat next to me and smiled when Liam sat next to him. Zayn sat on my right and whispered in my hear, "You'll do great, babe."

He leaned back in his seat, smiling, leaving myself to deal with the uprising of butterflies in my stomach. Seriously, why do I put myself in these situations?

"We'll start off with auditions for Ren, considering I just want to get it over with. Alright, Mr. Styles, you're up first," Mr. Walter announced.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head. No, why's he here? And auditioning for Ren, really? Why is he always there? I thought I was going to be away from him, now I'll be working with him, great, just great.

I watched as the curly haired lad made his way to stage and somebody please help me. He was gorgeous. And I don't usually call boys gorgeous, but he was stunning. He wore tight, black skinny jeans that made me wonder if his legs could actually breathe, not that legs breathe, but you understand. Along with the freakishly tight jeans, he wore a black "Rolling Stones" shirt with the sleeves cut off. A red, white, and blue bandana was used as a headband, probably to contain his hair, I guess. He had his arms crossed over his chest and I watched him fiddle with a ring he held in his hand. I take note of all the jewelry he wore, kinda strange for a supposedly straight guy, but I'm not one to judge.

"Alright, Mr. Styles, are you ready to perform for all of us today," Mr. Walter asked resting a pair of reading glasses on the bridge of his nose and looking up at the student on stage.

"As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose," Styles answered. His voice was deep and had an accent to it. I actually found it quite sexy and I had to push the thoughts that came to mind away.

No you have a boyfriend. A fucking boyfriend, get your shit together, Tomlinson.

He was a great performer and dancer and I knew for sure he was going to get the part. "Mr. Tomlinson, you're up!"

Oh dear lord help me. Can you make the stage catch on fire or something? Please just don't make me go up there. Please.

"Mr. Tomlinson, please make your way to the stage," Mr. Walter said, slightly annoyed by my behaviour.

I gulped before standing and walking toward the steps of the stage. Hopefully I wouldn't pull a Jennifer Lawrence and fall....I took a deep breath before jogging up the stairs and standing in front of the whole club. Were there always this many people?

"Okay, Mr. Tomlinson, show us what you got."

I looked to Zayn and he nodded. Liam and Niall were both smiling and nodding along. All three were encouraging. I truly am grateful for them.

I did my absolute best. I had been practicing as much as I could, heck, I even practiced in the shower. By the end of my audition I had forgotten everything and I was just happy it was over with. Mr. Walters went through the rest of the auditions and at the end of the two hours he had another announcement, "I'd really hate to waste more paper by printing out a stupid casting list, so is it alright if I just tell those who auditioned which part they got?"

The students nodded, wooed, and some grunted (obviously not wanting to be there), as Mr. Walters made his way to the center of the stage. He listed off the supporting parts and a few others and finally came to the one I had been waiting for, "Okay, okay, would all of you just shut up?" The class instantly feel silent, "Thank you. I would now like to share who will be playing the part of Ren," Mr. Walter paused, "Mr. Tomlinson, I think you'd be pleased to know that you have earned the spot," Niall clapped me on the back and Liam whistled. Zayn smiled and pat me on the back as well, "We'll be running over lines tomorrow so if you wouldn't mind stepping into my office before you leave that would be gr-"

A loud boom echoed throughout the auditorium and everyone turned their attention to the door at the back of the room. Only one person I could think of would leave in such a dramatic way.

Styles.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear friend,

I have come to the overpowering truth that I am, in fact, the stupidest person to ever walk the face of planet Earth. It was an absolutely foolish idea to ever get out of my seat and run after the green-eyed boy, yet I did, not thinking whatsoever, seriously, what the hell was I thinking?

He was already half way down the hallway so I began to sprint behind him, "Hey!" I said try to get his attention.

He spun around to face me, "Look, it's great that you got the part and everything, but you really didn't need to follow me and brag about it. Okay? Just move out of my way would you?" I didn't know what he was talking about, he could easily beat me anytime he wished, yet he politely asked me to step out of the way. He then tried to push pass me, which only gave me the opportunity to grab his arm. However, I tripped over my own feet and fell forward, causing him to fall and myself to collapse on top of him.

Oh the humiliation.

"Oh, I-yeah, I, uhm, I'm sorry about that," rambled on as I got to my feet and stretched out a hand, offering to help him up. He knocked my hand away and glared at me.

"Can you just leave me alone?" He asked harshly, standing up and wiping off his jeans. 

"Uh, yeah, yeah I'm sorry," I paused trying to collect my thoughts, "I just wanted to know why you're so upset." 

The boy glared at me yet again and shivers ran up my spine, "I'm upset because I should be the one with the part. I should be Ren, not you. Are you happy? Now you can run back to your little friends and pretend none of this happened, alright? I'm fine. Absolutely fine!"

"Look, I really didn't expect to get the part and, in all honesty, I thought for sure you'd be Ren. I'll got tell Mr. Walters to switch the casting and make you-"

"No! I don't want it anymore. You can have the part, I'll be supporting cast or nothing at all. I don't care about it anymore. Now I gotta get home, goodbye," with his final words he rushed off, leaving me all alone in the dim hallways.

What was I getting myself into?

 

One of the readings I can do for extra credit is The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I decided to give it a try, it wouldn't kill me, right? Anyways, I had begun reading and instantly fell in love. I'm only five chapters in, and already in love with the characters Mr. Green has created. He has such a beautiful mind. Not to sound creepy. I just find it absolutely amazing that he can construct such original and hilariously sarcastic characters that I can connect with at some level. It is people like John Green that I look up to and applaud and wish to become. However, I doubt I will ever become like them. I can keep on hoping though.

I can't help but feel one of the characters are going to die and I will be left in a sea of my own tears. But it makes me think about life and that life is living in the now, not the later or the "then", but the now. It also makes me face the unbearable truth that nothing lasts forever and it makes me quite sad, because I wish happiness could last forever. I wish my friendships I have built with those closest to me could last an eternity. But they won't and it's the truth all of us face at some point in our crazy, up and down, lives.

Sadness is another thing we will face. I almost envy those who get through it; who actually have the perseverance to continue on. I have been stuck in a rut for a while now, knowing that it is myself and only myself who can get me out, yet I do not attempt to rescue myself. I almost like the feeling of sadness, and I don't think that is at all a good thing. How did (or are you still) get through your sad times?

I had the conversation I had been dreading to have with Zayn. I really didn't want that to be piled on top of everything else that was going on in my life and I really didn't want him to get hurt. I wouldn't be happy with myself if I were to hurt him in any form. He was too sweet, too kind, to hurt. He was a friend as well. I could never.

"Louis, we need to talk." Ah, the five most dangerous words that can slip from the lips of the person you are dating. The possibilities of the meanings to them are endless. We need to talk about you.... We need to talk about us....And we can't forget the We need to talk about you chasing the "bad boy" out of the class and falling into his arms line. Oh yes, there are so many possibilities, but only the last is reasonable.

"Zayn-"

"Why'd you run after him?" Zayn interrupted.

Just as I suspected.

"I just wanted to make sure he was alright. I didn't want to anger him and honestly, he deserved the part over me. I didn't even really want to be Ren. I would have settled for anything," I tried to explain.

"Bullshit, Louis! You wanted the part of Ren and you know it! I heard you humming the songs! I watched as you read over your lines again and again and again until they were perfected. You wanted the part, you craved the part, now tell me the Goddamn truth."

The conversation was going great! No screaming or yelling or fighting whatsoever, just two boys peacefully talking over a silly event that had occurred the day before. Pshhh.

"Alright, I wanted the part, but I also wanted to make sure he was alright. I didn't want to upset any one." Especially not him.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm one-hundred percent sure. I just wanted to check on him, nothing else."

"Positive?"

"Positive," I said lifting his chin and kissing his lips, "Absolutely positive, baby." 

Maybe I shouldn't have done that......

 

 

My week continued on and by Friday I had started to make partial friends, all of which are very kind, some a bit bitchy, but nonetheless, friends. Friday came along and surprisingly, Mr. I'll-Just-Barge-Out-Of-The-Room-Like-A-Drama-Queen greeted me at the beginning of drama.

"Tomlinson," he said nodding his head toward me as he made his way through the class to walk around the room with me.

"What do you want, Styles?" I asked annoyed. I really didn't want this to cause drama between Zayn and I. I sat my backpack on one of the theater chairs and laid my coat on top of it. I turned to face him and put my hands on my hips waiting for his reply.

"I know we didn't really have the best start to things and it seems I am your understudy, I guess, so let me properly introduce myself if you will let me," he said slowly and calmly.

"Fine," I answered, giving him permission to continue on with his re-introduction.

"I'm Harry Styles. Most people call me Styles. And no worries, you don't need to introduce yourself, I already know you so-"

"No," I interrupted, "I'll say my hello's," I paused, "The name's Tomlinson. Louis Tomlinson," I replied, striking a pose.

I was surprised to hear that Harry was laughing. This tall, handsomely awkward boy was laughing at little ole me and I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my lips, "Well I guess it's fair to say that you are a drama queen and do, in fact, deserve the role of Ren. I actually think you'll do a much better job than myself. I was being, basically, an ass when I barged out and I apologize for that."

"No worries," the smile grew wider, "It's in the past."

"You count a week ago as 'the past'?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"Oh of course. It was centuries ago," I reply. Harry laughed yet again and I have to admit, it was a beautiful sound to hear. Before I got carried away in my thoughts, Zayn came up behind me and looked between Harry and me.

"What's up with you, Styles?" He asked looking Harry up and down.

"Actually, I came to ask if you," his attention was on me, "would like to go to a party this weekend. It's tomorrow night, you can bring your friends, the cuddly two, if you wish. The four of you are welcomed to come. What do you say?"

Zayn and I looked at each other and nodded, "Sure, why not?" Zayn answered.

"Wonderful! I'll give you the address, Lou, or I could pick you all up; my car should be big enough," Harry smiled.

I nodded and smiled at Zayn but all that was going through my head was Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou. We only just re-introduced ourselves and here he is using nicknames. This was not going to go well with Zayn, but honestly, I didn't really care.

"I think getting a ride from you would be best. We'll be ready at, what, eight?" I butt-in.

"I believe eight will work. I'll see the two of you later. Have fun running over lines, Lou. Have fun doing whatever it is you do, Malik." Well, they must be on a last name basis, huh?

"Bye, Styles. See you 'round," Zayn replied.

Can you feel the tension, because I definitely felt the tension between those two. It's like they were having a secret battle with all of us in the room and they didn't care who stopped to watch or anything. I'm one-hundred percent certain that if I weren't in the room, then explosives may have been dropped and it would be the beginning of World War three (as cliche as that is, I still think it's true).

Harry walked away after the awkward and tension-filled bye's and Zayn turned to me, "You don't really want to go do you?"

"Ah, come on Zayn. It would be so much fun!"

"Eh, I guess, but really, and with him of all people. Why did he even invite us, aren't we "too lame" for him?" Zayn insisted.

"He's not that bad once you get to know him-"

"Oh, and you know him?"

"I am beginning to know him. It takes time, alright?" Truth be told, I actually felt like I knew everything about the boy and I was lying for Zayn's sake, "He probably invited us to get to know more about us, make friends, ya know? I like him, Zayn, he's cool and not a dip-shit like some other people in our class and this hell-hole. So will you go? Even if it's just for me?" I asked with a pout hoping he would give in. There was a small, small, small part of me that wished he would say no, but I forced it to go away.

Zayn let out a sigh, "Alright, but only because I want to make sure no one lay's a finger on you."

"Great!" I exclaimed, "This will be fun!"

Maybe.

 

Loud.

That is the word I would use to describe the party. It was deafening loud. Not only because of the bass playing from the speakers inside the living room, but also because of the obnoxiously noisy people that ran from room to room chasing each other in attempt to shove something down someone else's pants. There was the unmistakable sound of a vase, or something of the sorts, breaking and boys laughing, girls gasping. I was truly living the High School Life.

Harry threw an arm aroung my shoulders, a simple friendly gesture which made my stomach to perform a trapeeze act, "Well my young friend,"

"I'm older than you," I interrupted.

"Fine then, my older and, apparently, much, much wiser friend, welcome to the party. From what you told me, this is your first, so let me show you around," he grabbed my hand and lead me around the now messy house, "See we have those who come to hook up," he says nodding toward three couples that were viciously making out against a wall. "Then we have those who come because their friends came, but their friends soon ditched them, yet they stay anyways," Harry points out as he gestures to the group of girls who seemed bored, tired, and frankly done.

"The druggies," Harry said walking pass three stoned boys starring straight ahead smiling at nothing, "The people who love to break things that aren't theirs and they'll probably have to pay for it later," he says walking pass a group of boys dropping yet another vase, this time from the top of the staircase. "As you can see, my dear Louis, the High School Life is quite exciting. Oh look here come the cock-suckers," Harry mumbles so only I can hear. A group of three or four girls in very skimpy and quite slutty outfits walked pass us in their five inch heels.

"Cock-suckers?" I inquired.

"They love it, or so I've heard, I wouldn't know. They aren't really my type. Anyways, I suppose we better find your friends, where did they even run off to?"

"Well, I know that Zayn needed to get a drink and Niall agreed and Liam followed," I answered.

"What's up with those two?"

"Which two?"

"The blonde and the other one, Liam, or whatever. What's going on between those two? Are they fucking each other?"

"You can't just ask someone if their friends are fucking each other."

"Sure you can, I just did."

"Well, I wouldn't know. I don't know their romantic lives."

"Who's romantic lives?" I hear an Irish accent question. Niall, Liam and Zayn appear next to us and suddenly it's the five of us in the middle of the backyard. Zayn handed me a drink as I replied to Niall, "Oh, no body."

"Since we are all here, why don't we start partying, huh?" Harry asks all of us. We all nod with a shrug and the party begins.

 

I was reluctant to have a drink-I never really enjoyed beer or understood why people enjoy the burning sensation-but after a while, the boys convinced me to chug one down and the one lead to four more. Needless to say, I was drunk off my ass and making some fucking stupid decisions.

Niall and Liam had run off to God know's where, which leaft Harry, Zayn, and I alone, "I'm gonna get another drink, do either of you want one?" Zayn asked, wobbling slightly as he stands. I shook my head and Harry gave him a nod then Zayn is off.

Harry turned to look at me, then moved over to throw an arm around me, another friendly gesture, "You see, my dear Louis, there is another group of people," Harry said. I looked at him confused and he continued, "There are those who get drunk and decide to do stupid things."

I was about to ask him who he was talking about, but before I could even open my mouth, another pair of lips clashed with mine.

Before I could let him go too far, I pushed Harry off and stared at him, nervous that Zayn would come walking up and see everything that was taking place.

"What the hell, Harry?!" I asked, slightly disgusted, but extremely blushy-I did, actually, like it.

"Shit," Harry said. He seemed pissed, but from his attitude, I knew it wasn't me, maybe he was made at himself, "I'm sorry, that was such a fuck up, sorry."

"It's alright, just make sure to keep your lips to yourself, alright."

"Alright, yeah, sorry."

"Okay so I got you a mixture, Harry," Zayn said looking up at the two of us, "Oh what are you two talking about?"

"Just presidential fuck ups," I lied.

"Really?" Zayn asked obviously not believing my lie.

"Oh of course, this is the friendship Harry and I have," I replied looking at Harry. His face sunk a bit, but only I noticed.

"Alright then, do you want to dance, Lou?"

"Sure!"

 

"Oh shit, it's eleven, Mum needs me home, I'm gonna go. I'll see you later, babe," Zayn said. He gave me a kiss, which lead to a short snog, that we hoped no one saw or paid attention to, and he left the party grabbing his jacket and making his way to his car that he insisted on driving over (he refused to ride with Harry).

I watched him leave and was suddenly pushed against a wall when he was finally gone, "I know you're dating him, but I also know that I need to do this so please just let me say this," he whispered in my ear. I could smell and almost taste the beer on his breath, God, how many drinks did he have? "I like you Louis," he paused, "And I know you like me too."

He let the words linger in the air before he pushed himself off the wall and began to walk off. Before he could make it that far, I grabbed his wrist and spun him around, pushing him against the same wall, "You fucking bastard," I whispered against his lips before kissing him.

Good-bye "friendship".

His lips moved against mine and we had formed a rythym. Harry, being the controlling person he is, rolled us over so I was then the one pinned against the peach colored wall. I liked this, liked being submissive, liked the feeling of his body against mine.

It was wrong.

Oh so incredibly wrong, but it felt so right. It felt so, so right. I finally knew what people meant when they said "It's so wrong, but feels so right," which made me think the relationship I had with Zayn was leaning more toward the "It's so right, but feels so wrong" side of things.

I knew this would hurt Zayn, I didn't want to hurt him-I would never think of hurting him. I was being selfish, uncaring of how this would affect him, only focusing on me and my crave. Stop. I still couldn't, Harry was addicting, one kiss and you have to have more. More. More. More. His lips were soft, velvety, sweet, gentle, they were overwhelming.

I hated how he made me feel. I hated how every time I thought about him a smile spread across my lips, butterflies danced in my stomach, and my cheeks turned a noticeable red. I absolutely hated it. I hated him. He was the one that made me feel this way. If it weren't for him, I'd be happy with Zayn and I'd be feeling the butterflies, the wide smile, the warmth of a blush because of Zayn, not him. It's all his fault.

But I let me feel that way.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop kissing him. Stop moving your lips against his. Stop, think about Zayn. Stop, think about how he would feel. Just stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

GODDAMN IT, LOUIS! STOP!

I thought over and over again, but I couldn't stop. I was too far lost; Lost in the taste of his lips, the smell of his hair, the way everything just "clicked" with him. He became everything I thought about, even when I was with Zayn, even when I wasn't with Zayn, my thoughts were all on Harry. HarryHarryHarry. It was Harry all the time, there was no questioning it.

I hear a loud gasp from behind Harry. My eyes open wide and I immediately push Harry off me. His jaw hung low as he tired to put a sentence together. His shock then turned to anger as he spoke.

"Louis!" He harshly whispered.

"Please," I whispered pausing, "Please, don't tell him."

"How could you do that, Louis?! And with him, of all people!" The blonde bloke asked nodding to Harry who was wearing a smirk on his face.

"I-I know," I said hanging my head low, ashamed in myself.

"You need to fix tit and now," he demanded.

"I'm going to, I promise, just please don't tell him, Niall, please," I pleaded.

"I won't tell. It's all a secret. I'll leave you to talk with him," Niall glared at the green eyed boy then turns his attention back to me. He whispers in my ear with a stern voice, "Don't fuck things up, Lou. You don't want to create any memories you'll later regret," with his last words spoken, Niall walked off.

I turned to Harry, "You never told me to stop," he started, "You never refused and you were the one to kiss me," he took a step closer to me, leaning down so his lips were only inches away from mine, he spoke again, "It makes me think you like me, you wanted me too, you liked it. Tell me Louis, did you like it? Did you like the feel of my lips against yours? Did you like me running my hands through your hair? Did you enjoy me so much that you couldn't help my moan beneath me? Tell me Louis, do you really regret it?"

I didn't regret it. I didn't want to take it back. I didn't want him to stop.

I am selfish.

I am uncaring.

I looked up into his lust filled eyes and shook my head.

"Then kiss me," he said in a hushed voice. His lips touching mine and I was gone again.

Maybe I did fuck things up.

But maybe this was for the better, I just can't see it yet.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Friend,

You'd think I would regret everything that happened at the Night of Fuck Ups, but I really didn't. I did feel bad that I had ultimately hurt Zayn and, in a way, betrayed him and broke his trust. I felt like a terrible, terrible friend, but I almost didn't care. The fact that I didn't care as much as I should made me question if I even cared in the first place. Of course I loved him at some point in time. Of course. However, I didn't feel the way I felt towards Harry with Zayn. I felt different with Harry. I felt almost happy with him. With Zayn, I always felt guilty. 

I propped myself up on my elbows then scooched up so my back was against the headboard. It was a less painful position. My head throbbed as I looked around the room for Harry. Where did that boy go? My throat felt slightly scratchy and my mouth tasted of an alcohol and vanilla mixture. What the hell did I drink last night?

As I waited for Harry to return, I let the events of the night before flash through my memory; leaving the party with Harry (hoping Liam and Niall would be able to find their way home), getting to Harry's and roughly making out on his couch. The couch soon lead to the bed where we, you know. I can't forget the feeling of everything. The way he made me feel was amazing. My body craved him, his touch, his voice, his lips, his everything. I knew I was in too deep, too far gone.

I heard a door open and turned my attention to a gorgeous Harry Styles, "Oh look at who finally decided to wake up this afternoon. Hello, Sleeping Beauty," he said ruffling his hair in order to dry it.

"Oh so you think I'm beautiful?" I asked raising an eyebrow and allowing a smirk to spread across my lips.

"I never said you weren't and it's kind of obvious that you are, I mean, look at yourself," Harry said. Yes, the boy with no shirt on and a noticeable pack of abs called me beautiful, "You really are, Lou," he paused, "I think it's time you take a shower, I'm sure you're a sticky mess and you can't be for where we're going today."

"And where exactly do you plan on taking me?" I inquired.

"On an adventure of course! Now come on, we have to get going," Harry said.

"Alright, alright," I replied. I carefully swung my legs over the side of the bed, wincing slightly as I tried to stand. Harry threw on a shirt and then helped me stand and basically carried me to the bathroom. He gently sat me down on the counter as he started the shower making sure the water wasn't "too hot" or whatever. Once he declared it to be "just right" he explained where everything was and then left me to clean up. 

I let out a sigh as the "just right" water rolled down my back and relaxed every muscle of my body. I hummed quietly until I heard the door open, "Sorry, I just thought you might want some clean clothes so I brought some for you. I'll leave them on the counter just so you know in case you somehow didn't see them. Uhm, yeah, I'll work on breakfast or something," Harry said. God he was so cute when he was awkward like, he's nothing like he was the night before, but still Harry and still the only thing on my mind. The door closed and I continued on with my shower thinking of how I am going to tell Zayn, how I will break the news to him. I don't want to hurt him, I never planned on hurting him, but I know I have and I know I need to fix it. I am a terrible person.

I quickly finished my shower, hopping out and throwing on the clothes Harry left for me, then walked down stairs to where he was making breakfast. The smell of sizzling bacon drifting around the kitchen. Harry stood humming and flipping flapjacks as I sat at the kitchen bar, "So can you tell me where we're going today?"

Harry turned to look at me, smiled, then turned his attention back to the flapjacks, "If I told you, I don't think it'd be a surprise. So no, I cannot tell you where we are going," he put a stack of flapjacks on my plate and then some bacon and strawberries, "But you will need a large breakfast, so eat up." 

I took the plate from his hands and began to eat. He soon joined me at the bar and we ate together talking about the party, but leaving out everything that happened between the two of us. Once we were done, he told me to wait outside in his car as he did something. I did as I was told. 

He came back carrying a box and a huge grin on his face as he opened the driver's door and set it on my lap, "Don't open it until I tell you too," he warned. I obeyed. 

We drove out of his driveway and then the adventure had begun, "In five minutes, when it is 10:05, you can open it then wait for further instruction."

I impatiently waited the five minutes then looked at him to make sure I could do so. He nodded. I opened the box only to find there was another closed box inside, "Really?" I asked annoyed already. 

Harry only smirked, "You'll have to wait ten minutes to open the next one. Trust me, it's worth the wait." I waited the extra ten minutes, thinking of everything it could be, what did he have planned? When ten minutes were up, I turned to him again. He nodded once again. I opened the smaller box. Of course, Harry, being the tease and evil mastermind he is, had yet another box hidden inside, "You really don't want me to know what it is," I stated. 

"Patience, Lou. You'll find out soon enough. It's all about the mystery of the surprise," we turned a corner, "You can wait twenty minutes now." 

As the minutes added on, I wondered if I would ever find out what was in the box and if we were actually going somewhere, or if he was just screwing with me. Not soon enough, the twenty minutes were done. I looked at him. Nod. Open. Another box. A thirty minute wait. This time the box was very small and I believe it was the last one, surely he couldn't fit yet another box in there.

We had come to a stop and I finally looked up to see where we were. There was a dock with seagulls flying above and a very blue sky, not a cloud to be seen. I then saw a speedboat with a driver (I assumed) and water skies. What in the hell did Harry plan on having me do? 

"You can't open the box yet," Harry said, "But you can get a kiss," he leaned over and gave me a kiss, "Patience, Lou."

Friend, I don't think you understand what it's like sitting here, your cheeks a dark shade of red, with the person you might like teasing you. It's absolutely terrible. Then they have to go and kiss you and make things a million times worse. Why, friend, why?

"Now come on, the adventure is just beginning! Let's go!" Harry encouraged getting out of the car and going to the back of the vehicle. I slowly did the same thing, suddenly self conscious, crossing my arms over my chest. Harry closed the trunk and smiled when he saw me waiting. He held a basket, a picnic basket by the looks of it, and took my hand to lead me away. So now we're on a picnic? 

Harry chuckled as he laid out a blanket, "Oh Louis, you're so cute when you're confused." We both got comfortable on the blanket and Harry began to pull out things of Tupperware filled with food, "To start off our marvelous day, we will consume this wonderfully prepared meal and then wait for our stomachs to digest some of it before we embark on the next part of the adventure," Harry explained. I smiled in agreement.

 

 

We finished our Wonderfully Prepared Meal and then allowed our stomachs to digest. I had completely forgotten about the box, too caught up in Harry, HarryHarryHarry, until he finally said, "You're allowed to open it." I looked at him confused for a second, but then realized what he was revering to and went to open it, "If you don't like it, I can always take it back, you don't have to like it. I just thought you might," Harry added. 

I pulled out the necklace and beamed up at Harry. The necklace had a black rope-like chain and the pendant was a miniature sand timer. To someone else, it wouldn't seem like much, but to me, it was absolutely beautiful.

"It has a meaning, you can make of it what you want, as long as you mention time. For it could mean "Only time will tell," or "Time heals all wounds," it's all up to you. I know it isn't much-"

"Please! It's amazing! Thank you so so much, Harry!" I said, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. I leaned back and Harry took the necklace out of my hand and put it around my neck.

I'm going to sound girly and probably gayer than I am, but I felt like it was, dare I say it, a fairy tale. To be with the person I care most about on such a beautiful day is something truly magical and for that moment I felt happiness.

I always felt happy with Harry.

"Now it is time for our water skiing," Harry said with a smile.

"Oh dear lord, really?" I asked, completely terrified. 

"Yes! Now come on!" Harry encouraged.

"But I don't even know what to do!" I exclaimed, trying to weasel my way out of doing it.

"It's easy. All you have to do is bend your knees to your chest, keep your arms straight, and lean back. We'll start there and then we'll take it to the next step," Harry explained.

"That's it?" It sounded easy enough, but I was sure there would be a lot more to it.

"Basically. Now here, throw these on and let's go," he said tossing me a pair of swimming trunks from his "infinity bag", I swear he has everything in there. I reluncantly changed and met him at the dock.

Things began easy. I was able to slip into the skis quite quickly, not too painful. But then the boat started to move and things went absolutely insane, "Just keep bending your knees. You're doing great, Louis!" Harry shouted over the sound of the motor boat and my screams. I loved how encouraging and helpful he was. He was really sweet.

I soon gained some confidence and actually enjoyed the time I was spending with Harry, he really knew how to plan an adventure. As I glided across the water, still fearing my possible death, my vision began to blur and I suddenly got dizzy. I stopped laughing and I heard Harry do the same as he started to yell, "Louis! Lou! Are you okay? Slow down, stop the boat!"

His screams were the last thing I heard before we hit a wave and I fell off the skis and into the depths of the lake.

 

 

I woke with a gasp. The bright lights blinding me as my eyes opened and took in my surroundings. White was all I saw then my eyes fell upon a sleeping Harry and I smiled slightly. He was slouched in one of the hospital chairs snoring away. He was so calm when he slept.

I let out a heavy breath and got into a more comfortable position, I hated sleeping on my back. Harry stirred and I hoped I didn't wake him, he probably hadn't gotten much sleep. I was glad when he turned to face the other way. I recall what happened earlier that afternoon (was it even the same day?) and remembered the feeling of the cold water circling my body. I didn't know what happened and I was almost terrified of the possibilities. What happened to me out there? I was absolutely fine then the next minute I was falling in to the dark lake due to my lousy vision, there had to be something going on.

The door creaked open and in walked a nurse. He looked surprised to see me awake, but soon went about his business doing whatever it is male nurses do. He nodded to Harry and I shrugged, grinning. The nurse left afterwards and I turned to look out the window. The sun was setting, beautiful pinks, purples, and oranges mixing together and forming one of the most magnificent sun sets I had ever seen. Birds flew pass, one flying straight into the window, which I admit scared the shit out of me. It seemed the world hadn't changed at all when I was gone, everyone seemed to be doing the same thing, yet I was here.

"Oh, Lou, you're awake, I didn't hear you," Harry said stretching a bit and ruffling his hands through his hair. He opened his eyes completely to look at me, "Do you need anything? Water? Food?"

"I'm fine. How did I get here?" I asked in confusion.

"You fell into the water, I dived after you, I was able to reach you and drag you up. Then the boatman threw a life preserver out, I made sure you got in it and you were pulled up onto the boat. I checked to make sure you were breathing, you were, but I was panicked and wanted to make sure you were completely 'okay' so I called the ambulance and they showed up and here we are now. It sounds more dramatic than it actually was. I was just terrified you would drown, I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Harry explained, "They said you are."

You know that moment when you feel a "but" coming and you're just waiting for it, hoping there isn't anything else? That's how I felt in that moment. I got a pain in my gut, worry.

"But," Harry continued, "They think your sudden blurred vision may have been due to a medication reaction or side effect. They were wondering if you had been taking any pills or other forms of medication recently. I couldn't answer for you, I hadn't had a clue."

My friend there is something you must know; in my middle years, I had a few problems. For one, I wasn't all that happy. Secondly, I had many anxieties that took over my everyday life. My mother had tried everything she could to help me. She even sent me to psychotherapy where I was taught "how to respond to challenging situations in more effective ways".

I suppose the therapy had helped somewhat. However, the doctors seemed to believe that my depression was due to anxiety so they prescribed me with an antidepressant called sertaline (in medical terms, the actual drug was called Zoloft). The original dose had worked, at first. Then it began to fail so they increased my original dose and that is what I have been on for the past two years. When they were telling me of the side effects, they never mentioned blurred vision, neither had any websites with information on the drug.

"I do take a drug, but from what I know, from what the doctors and websites have told me, the medication doesn't have 'blurred vision' as a side effect," I told Harry.

I thought Harry would ask me which drug it was, but he didn't seem to care about it, "Huh, well I suppose it was something else then. A doctor would know," Harry paused and stood, "I'm starving. Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" I nodded as a reply, "Okay." Before Harry left, he leaned over me and planted a kiss on my lips.

I watched him leave the room and began to think, which was probably the worst thing I could possibly do at this moment. There were too many questions running through my mind, too many things in general, and I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream of Harry. HarryHarryHarry. But I let the questions rattle in my brain as I waited for Harry to return with his dinner.

If it wasn't a side effect of my medication, what was it?

Was it something more severe?

Was I going to die?

What was going on with my freaking body?

Why is this happening now?

Why does everything go wrong?

Harry soon came back, dragging me out of the endless thoughts of life and death, bringing me back to reality. His soothing voice spoke, "Lou, I know you didn't want me to bring you any food, but you need to eat something so I brought what I think to be is a Jell-o cup with fruit in it...."

I smiled at Harry, taking the cup from him and saying my thanks. It wasn't half bad, but it still wasn't good. I honestly don't know if it was Jell-o, it wasn't all that....Jell-o-y.

I moved over so Harry could sit with me on the bed and we enjoyed a light meal. Once finished, Harry threw his trash away, along with my own, and brought me closer to him. My head lay on his chest as he spoke once again, "I know you're dating him..." Oh yeah...Zayn, "But I cannot and will not keep the truth from you." I held my breath as he continued.

"I'm falling for you, Louis, I'm falling hard and I'm falling fast. I'm just hoping you'll catch me."

The truth is, my friend, I was falling for him just as quickly and I knew there was no way of stopping.

Our love was inevitable.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear friend,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I have gotten caught up in practicing for the play and other activities. I've mainly gotten caught up in Harry. My days are basically, wake up, eat, school, Harry, classes, drama (with Harry), leave drama (with Harry and the lads-minus Zayn), spend time with Harry doing homework, have Harry stay for dinner some nights, Harry leaves, sleep, and repeat.

As you probably noticed, I only leave drama with Harry, Niall, and Liam. I'm sure you probably guessed that Zayn and I broke up. You may think it was a devasting break up, but in reality it wasn't all that bad. I think we both knew it wasn't going to work out so we ended it mutually. Of course I haven't been bitter to him, in fact I have invited him to go with the other lads and I to parties and study groups, but he has declined each time. We pass by each other in the hall and I say hello, but he walks off as if I wasn't even there.

I admit, it hurt. It really, really hurt. But I'm sure what I did to him hurt even more, so it was fair. He had all right to ignore me, make me feel his pain, make me feel regret for my decisions. He had every right to feel hatred towards me and I wouldn't try and stop him. I deserved it.

"Do you really think things with you and Styles will work out?" Niall questioned as he and I walked down the halls to our lockers.

I thought about my reply as I turned the lock, 14-28-18, "I honestly believe that things can and will work with us. At this moment we're just learning more and more about each other, once we know everything there is to know then we'll be able to learn things about us as a couple and it only goes from there, ya know?"

"Yeah, I get it. Hey, uh, Harry, you wouldn't happen to know who Liam has a thing for, would you?" That was an quick subject change.

"Actually, I don't have a clue who he likes. Why?"

"Oh no reason."

"Are you trying to hook him up with someone?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, not at all. I'm just curious," the blonde lad replied.

"Whatever, Niall. Why don't you just ask, you two seem like good friends, surely he'd tell you."

He told him later on.

"Maybe, but not now, I'll do it later. I gotta get to class before Roberts kills me. I'll see you 'round, Lou!" With that the boy skipped off and I went to my last class, wishing I didn't have every class with Zayn.

 

Mr. Martin's class was fairly easy, as he had said it would be that first day of school, but it has gotten quite harder. No it's not the actual curricular work that is hard or even the extra credit prompts and written assignments (I'm done with those anyway). It was the fact that I would actually have to converse with the one person who hated me most at the moment.

"So how do you want to execute this oral presentation?" I asked, writing down the date and waiting for Zayn's ideas. He didn't talk. Hell, he didn't even glance up to look at me, "Come on, Zayn. Please. We both want a good grade and the only way to get a good grade is if we work together and I need you to talk to me if we are going to do so.So I beg of you, please just talk to me," I waited for a reply. There wasn't any, "Stop being an ass and actually speak!" 

I probably shouldn't have said that, but it was said and by the time the words escaped my lips I wish I could take them back. Zayn stood up, his chair falling to the floor with a thud, and stormed out of the room. Due to instinct and having no common sense whatsoever, I sprinted after him trying to catch up.

How many times this year am I going to chase after boys?

I spun him around so we were face to face. He was angry, it was obvious, and he wasn't even trying to hide it, surely he's been hiding it too long. His eyes had also shown sadness and I immediately felt guilty. He turned his head, but I spoke anyways.

"I'm so sorry," I started, "I'm so, so sorry. I was a dick. I was a selfish, conceded, bitch ass bastard, and I sincerely apologize for my actions. I wasn't thinking about you, I wasn't thinking about anyone, just myself and it was wrong of me. Can we please just go back to being friends. We don't need to be best friends, or friend friends, we can be mutual friends. I just don't want you to continue avoiding me, Zayn."

"Louis, you don't have to be so dramatic about it. It's fine, really, it's fine. I do want to still be your friend, I just needed a bit of space. I think my mind is now clear and I am happy to befriend you once again and we can be friend friends, alright?" Zayn said. His voice was just as I remembered it, only with the slightest trace of sadness, no resentment.

"Oh, thank, God," I said pulling him into a hug. He instantly wrapped his arms around my smaller frame and I mumbled into his chest, "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Seems like things were back to normal.

 

 

Liam came over to mine after school in order to study, although we rarely ever finish our homework, but don't tell my mother that. We sprawled out on my bed, our studying books open, but not being read as we talked about our days and then Liam asked me a question that made me want to play a little match maker game.

"Do you-uhm, uh-do you think Niall likes me?" Liam asked, suddenly becoming nervous and shy.

"I'm not sure," I thought for a split second and smirked to myself, "Why don't you ask him?"

"No, no, that's stupid. Besides, he probably doesn't even like boys. Afterall, he's one of those jocky people."

"May I remind you, you're a jock as well."

"Well, yeah, but it's different with him, his team actually hangs out with him and wants to be in his presence."

"Liam, I don't think you understand how his teammates treat him," I said as I recalled the first day I met Niall. I found it strange that Niall was better friends with Liam, yet hadn't told him of his sexuality, which gives me more reason to think that Niall had a thing for Liam. Liam's question makes me believe he might have a thing for Niall as well. 

 

"What do you mean?" Liam questioned. His body shifted and I could tell he was in a protective mode. Oh, protective Liam, how adorable.

"His team beats him up. It's bad, really, really bad."

"Why doesn't he do anything about it?"

"He doesn't want to. He knows his team will side against him if he were to say anything to their coach. He plays along, never standing up for himself."

"Well, that's bullshit. Who are the people hurting him? I want to beat them!" Liam said, determined.

"Liam, beating the people who hurt him will never solve anything, you know that. Just talk to him about it."

"Louis, I love him," Liam rushed.

I was taken aback. I figured he liked him, but love? "Liam...."

"I know it's crazy and you probably think I'm too young and all the other things other people think and will think. But I love him and I cannot deny me of that love. I'm sure you won't understand, but I do."

He didn't know that I felt the same way for someone as well. He didn't know, no one knew, and I planned on keeping it that way, no matter what.

"I don't think you're crazy. I don't think you're too young. I don't think anything of it. I know I will support you through whatever happens, whatever you decide to do. However, I do recommend you talk to him about it, you never know what will happen."

"Do you know something I don't?"

"I just have a hunch. Just do it and see what works out."

"Lou-"

"Come on, Li, you don't know until you try."

He nodded and we continued to talk about normal things gay boys talk about (sex, dicks, basic things. I mean really, what else is there to talk about?) and our not-really-studying-studying. Liam left after dinner, mother always insists on having him stay, and I went upstairs to "study more".

Me: So if x equals 8 and y equals 4x+10-5 what is y?

Harry: Math is not my thing. So I am guessing 7.

Me: It's 37.

Harry: That's great to know. So what is it that you need, Mr. Tomlinson?

Me: I need help with something.

Harry: This sounds like the beginning to some very sexy conversation. Please, do call me, Tomlinson.

I called Harry, he picked up on the first ring, "Hello, Louis William. I'd like to know what you need help with."

"It's nothing "sexy" I'm sorry to have disappointed you. But I need your help putting a relationship together," I said smiling to myself, slightly excited.

"Didn't your mother ever teach you to not medel in the love lives of your friends?"

"I was not raised that way. I was raised to help those that need me and believe me, Har, they need me."

"Just like I need you?"

"No, not in that way. They need me to put them together, they will never get it done by themselves. They are in need of desperate help, my dear Harry, and only we can save them."

"This sounds like it will be an adventure!" Harry exclaimed, his excitement causing my smile to grow, stretching ear to ear. I loved how excited he got for things, how child like he was, just a few more things to add on to my list of Things I Love About Harry Styles.

"It's going to be a great adventure! We'll have to start immediately, though. Meet me during lunch to plan?" I asked.

"Sure, wonderful plan!" He paused and it worried me for a second, like he was rethinking things, "Lou, what if I were to kiss you, you know, at school?"

"Well, I suppose I'd probably freak out for a second, but then fall into your wonderfulness, escaping all other living, breathing beings."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. Do you have a problem with that, Styles?"

"Not at all, because I'd do the same exact thing."

Happiness ran through every vain of my body with those words. I never knew I made him feel that way, never knew he felt the same way towards me as I did him. It felt like we were Hazel Grace and Augustus Waters in our third world place, a place where we are together even though we are far apart. I liked the feeling. I liked having my own Augustus, but I think a Harry might be better. 

"My mother is screaming at me to quit talking and continue studying, so I must leave you and return to quadratic vs. linear equations. Good night, Harry," I reply, wishing my mother wasn't so invested in me, but at least she was better than my father.

"Good night, Louis."

 

I have been wondering, my dear friend, what it was like for you. You know, living and all. What things did you do? What type of people did you meet? What made you happy, who made you happy?

I've been thinking of these things for a while, I'm sure yo'll answer in a letter once I ask of you. For the moment I wonder; filling my thoughs with possibilities; it's better than what I have been thinking.

Harry made his way around the cafeteria to sit with me. I told the lads I needed to speak with him about a few things (I'm sure they all assumed it was about our relationship or something of the sorts). Zayn looked upset, but encouraged me to go when I told him I would stay.

Things weren't all that normal.

"So, we now have a match-making business?" Harry asked, chuckling slightly, causing me to do the same.

"Yes, yes we do, except we aren't being paid for it," I replied.

I picked at my mac-n-cheese as he took a large bit of his sandwich and spoke again, "I'm guessing Blondie and the brunett."

I nodded, "Of course. It's so obvious they like each other. They can't not be with each other it would be against fate, and you can never, ever, be against fate." 

"Dramatic much?" 

"Extremely."

"Well, we can go the cliche way and invite them both to the same place and they have to stay otherwise we'll beat them or something. Then they'll talk and fall in love and everything will be peachy," Harry suggested. 

Just as I was thinking. 

But it's far, far too cliche. Too normal. We need something different, memorable. 

"Let's go to the fair this weekend, we make them go with us, we wait in line for the ride and we ditch them. It's still cliche, but not as much as before, yeah?"

"Wonderful, Louis! You're genius!"

"Thank you," I smiled.

I didn't know it was coming, I honestly didn't think he would do it, but he did and my heart fluttered. My cheeks turned a bright red and I giggled (yes, I, a boy, giggled), hiding behind my hands. He moved my hands away and kissed me again.

Boy, did I like whatever this was.

 

 

Liam, Niall, Zayn, Harry, and I (along with Zayn's new "friend", I seriously believe he's interested in him and they have something going on) walked into the fair as a large group, paying for our tickets at the gates and then going our separate ways, Zayn and his "buddy" were the only ones to leave, Niall and Liam stayed with Harry and myself. As Zayn walked over to the games, we made our way to the rides, Harry and I smirking to each other as we moved.

"I really don't like rides all that much," Liam commented. Ah, and here we have scared, naive Liam. He really is adorable, Niall will be a lucky lad.

"It's not that bad, Li. You'll be fine, plus you got us, right lads?" Niall said, trying to cheer Liam up. He'll make a great boyfriend for Liam.

"Thanks, Ni. So what ride shall we start with?" Liam asked. I'm sure he was hoping for something not too spontaneous at the moment, so I suggested we start off with the ferris wheel. The boys agreed and we stood in line.

After a while, when the line was finally beginning to move, Harry spoke, "Shit, I really have to piss."

It was such a great lie, really.

"Harry, we're almost there, can't you just wait."

"No, Niall, I really, really, have to pee. And Louis needs to come with me, so we're see you guys after the ride. Bye," Harry grabbed my hand and dragged me away, leaving the two alone.

"Great lie. How did you even think of that? It was so genius, absolutely genuis," I said.

"Oh please, like you could do better?"

"Of course I could, I can do anything better than you," I teased. 

"So you can kiss better than me?"

"Totally."

"We'll just see about that," Harry pulled me closer to him and I instantly locked our lips. As our lips moved in sync I was able to bite his slightly and he allowed access, soon our tongues were moving against each other. No matter how many times we did this, my heart always fluttered and the butterflies in my stomach hovered around in circles, tickling my insides and making me feel nervous yet so...happy.

I pulled back, opening my eyes to look into Harry's, "I am the better kisser," I smirked.

"I am now in agreement with you," Harry smiled. He took my hand and lead me through the groups of people, on our way to a more exciting ride. 

 

 

Have you ever gone on a date that was so absolutely amazing and unforgettable that you just wanted to relive it every day? I'm sure you have, I think everyone has. The day I spent at the fair with Harry was just that. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

In all truth, I wasn't sure what it was Harry and I had. We'd spend nights out at the movies and make out. Then we'd go over to his place and have a little bit of fun, you know what I mean. So it wasn't necessarily a relationship, but I have no freaking idea what the hell it was and it was tearing me apart. He did tell me that he was falling for me but was it me my personality, or me my body? I really wanted to know what he was falling for, I hope it's the same thing.

I decided to lay off the question and save it for a later date, but my thoughts always drift to the Night of Fuck Ups and the Fair, mixed emotions flooding back.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry asked, handing me a cup of tea and cuddling me close to him.

"Nothing....."

"Harry, I know you're lying when your sentence trails off like that. Come on, baby, please tell me," Harry encouraged, squeezing me and leaving a kiss on my neck.

"What are we?"

"Well, I know what I want to be, but I wasn't sure if you wanted the same thing."

"What do you want us to be?"

He waited and then whispered softly, "A couple."

"Like boyfriend and boyfriend?"

"Precisely. I want to be yours, all yours and I want you to want to be mine, not have to be mine. I want you, I have always wanted you, and I will always want you. Louis, I'm going to sound fucking crazy right now, but I don't care."

The world slowed down in those next seconds and I had to try my hardest to make my heart rate die down a little.

Say it.

Say it!

SAY IT!

Dear lord, just say it please! I'm dying here!

"I love you, Louis Tomlinson. I love you so goddamn much."

"I love you too."

I was barely able to breathe out my words before his lips were on mine and my mind was taken over with thoughts of Harry. HarryHarryHarry.

It was always him.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING* This chapter contains violent scenes and the mentioning of rape and child abuse. If you are sensitive to these subjects, I encourage you skip down to where it says "*SAFE*" and read from there. There maybe more mentioning of rape after the point it says "safe", I am just warning you. Thank you for understanding and reading. I hope you like it. -M

Dear Friend,

They say that your past creates you.

It forms you into the person you are today.

Your past can make you a stronger person or it can show you how strong you are now.

An individual's past is what makes that individual unique and unlike anyone else, because no one has the same past, or the same present, and no one will have the same future.

I must explain my past for you to get an understanding of what I have lived through, maybe you'll see why I do some of the things I do or whatever of the sorts. I do not know what you will gain from this, but I'll share anyways.

You see, when I was younger, my father was actually around. During his stay, he wasn't at all nice. He'd treat my mother like she was nothing by calling her names, terrible, terrible names, and beating her when she tried to stand up for herself or my sisters and I.

When I was a tween and younger teenager, he'd sit at the kitchen table and throw insults at my oldest sister, "You're ugly, absolutely hideous! Not to mention huge! What kind of boy is going to want to date you?" His comments drove my sister to starve herself and try her best to be different, to satisfy our father.

Nothing worked.

Once she was extremely thin and frail he'd tell her she was a twig and that "no boy would want to date a stick." When she put make up on he'd say it made her look worse than before.

There was no winning with him.

I still remember all of the times each of my younger sisters had ran into my room when he was on a drunken rampage. They were terrified. So was I, but I didn't want them to know, I was their protector. They held each other close in the corner of my small bedroom, floods of tears rushing down their cheeks, their sobs echoing quietly around the vacant space. I stood at the door, ready for the fight if waged. There was no way I was going to let him lay a finger on my girls.

After ten minutes of waiting, after what felt like ten days, he finally banged on the door, "Let me in, Dirtbag!" He hollered, "Let me in before I break down this door and give you a good beating!"

I stood my ground. I didn't speak. I held my breath as he kept banging on the door, kept screaming out insult after insult.

Bastard.

Retard.

Cunt.

Motherfucker.

Fag.

I let him say each word, each name, I let him do it, but I didn't let it get to me. I didn't cry, I didn't yell, I didn't do anything. I simply stayed staring at the door, waiting for him to blackout and leave us a lone.

I waited.

It seemed I was always waiting.

I was always waiting for it to end, waiting for him to leave, waiting for someone to come and save us. My childhood revolved around waiting, for the next insult, the next punch, kick, or hit, the next drunken night. The next slam on the door.

When all was quiet, the banging had stop, the yelling had ended, and things seemed to be over, I opened the door at the slowest speed possible. There he was, passed out, right in the middle of the hallway. There was a drink in his hand and I immediately took it out of his grasp and threw it out my window (a bit dramatic now that I think about it), then returned to my girls.

They were a wreck.

Each of them had red, puffy eyes. Lottie had a swollen eye that was turning purple and blue, it had occurred to me in that moment that he had hit her. That he hurt her physically now. That he touched her.

We had to get out or he head to leave. It was one way or the other, there was nothing else. This had to end and it did eventually.

It was a couple weeks after his rampage that everything happened and he was sent away. During those weeks, all of the girls had slept in my room with me while mum was at work.One night, our dad tiptoed in, the smell of alcohol radiating off him, and went towards the spot Lottie was fast a sleep. I tried my hardest to pretend to be asleep, keeping my breathing at a low and trying not to move. I remember what he said word for word, "Get up, bitch, Daddy wants to show you something."

I knew it was coming. I knew he would try to do this, he did it with me, nothing would stop him from doing it with her.

"I don't want to, Dad!" Lottie screamed thrashing around as he tried to get her out of bed so he could carry her down stairs. I had been down there many times, I still have flashbacks of the things that took place there.

"Come on, Lots, you don't want to wake up your brother and sisters, do you? Just be real nice for me, let Daddy do what he wants," he tried to say soothingly but his words came out slurred and twisted.

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO!"

I sprung out of bed, wearing only my boxers, and lunged at my dad. We flew against the wall and I got a couple punches in before he kneed me in the balls and I doubled over in immense pain. The other two were awakened and suddenly cowered over to the corner where Lottie tried to comfort them, whispering that everything was going to be okay.

"So the faggot tries to save the day," Dad spat. He suddenly seemed more sober, like he knew what he was saying and doing which only made the situation worse since I knew it was him and not the beer talking.

"Why are you such an arse?!" I screamed, "Why do you have to tear us down and hurt us when we have done nothing to you?! Why do you hate us so much?!"

"You all deserve pain. You deserve to be hurt. You deserve everything you get. Be happy that you at least get attention from someone, no one else will give you any. Be happy that we put a roof over your head and give you food to eat."

"We? Last I checked, Mum was the only one working to pay for the house and the only one providing us with food. You have done nothing to benefit us. You are a failure of a father. You are a bastard."

He slapped me, nice and hard, sending a tingling sensation throughout my body, "How dare you say that! I do a lot to provide for you kids!"

"Oh, so beating us with your belt and getting high or drunk then coming home is how you show us your love, how you provide for us?"

"You're such a stupid, fucked up little boy."

"AND WHO MADE ME TO BE THAT WAY?" I shouted, "IT SURE AS HELL WASN'T MUM!"

"DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT IN MY HOUSE, YOUNG MAN!"

"TALK LIKE WHAT? LIKE YOU TALK TO ME?"

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

And that was it.

He was gone.

He grabbed my wrists and tightened his grip. Even though the only light in the room was the light of the shining moon through the window, I could see the anger that filled his eyes, a deep, deep piercing ocean blue. Yet, there was something behind the obvious evil. It almost looked like he was terrified.

But what was he frightened of?

Being sent away?

Having his son stand up to him?

Losing power?

What was it?

I never found out.

"You're scared," I stated right before he slammed me against the wall so many times I lost track. The sound of my sisters' sobs in the corner surrounded me, it was the only thing I could focus on, the only thing that gave me strength to fight back.

I opened my eyes, and the rest was all a blur.

I have flashbacks of hurting him, the man that once long, long ago cared for me. I remember the hatred and resentment bubbling inside of me, I remember the sounds of sirens and the feeling of arms wrapping around me to pull me off the bruised and dying man.

I remember bits and pieces, but I only focused on one thing, saving my family.

When people say "Blood doesn't make a family, love does." They are one hundred percent right. I will never doubt that saying.

I will never believe that man loved me or anyone for that matter.

*SAFE*

Once we were all gathered in one of the hospital rooms, with my mother on the way and a guard at the door, we spoke the unsaid words that had been on the tip of all of our tongues; the words waiting to be released and shared with others.

When my mother got there, the police officers told her that he would be sent away to federal prison for many, many years and that us kids would have to get further examinations by our doctors. She seemed relieved; relieved that she didn't have to spend another day with that asshole. But there was something about the way she cried that made me think that maybe she did feel sad that he was gone- that her husband was not loyal to her, that he wasn't the man she married and she regreted her decision, not for her sake, but for ours.

That was the moment that I realized that she was trying her hardest to protect us, but it was out of her power and she couldn't control it.

There are somethings in this world that are absolutely uncontrollable.

Yes, my childhood wasn't the greatest, but there are people in even worse conditions than myself, and I am grateful for where I am now. I'm grateful for everything in my life: my mom, my girls, my friends, my Harry.

Maybe I am grateful for the things my dad did to me, to us, because they made me stronger day by day and now look at where I am; I'm on top of the world and nothing is bringing me down.

 

I got A's in all of my classes first half of the first semester. I was slightly surprised, considering I put absolutely no effort into the pieces I wrote for English and spent most my time not even focusing on the actual prompt. Nonetheless, I got my A's and I could go out with Harry to celebrate (He got all B's).

"So where shall we go tonight? "Denny's" or somewhere else?" I asked as we gathered up or text books and note pads and made our way out the auditorium doors.

"Actually, I have a different idea," Harry replied, a huge, shining smirk on his face.

"Don't tell me you have another surprise," I said with a roll of my eyes and a head shake.

"Well of course!! Why wouldn't I? Surprises are the best!" Harry exclaimed, completely extatic about our dinner.

"Alright, I wonder if you can out do yourself this time."

 

Harry's backyard was lit up like a gigantic Christmas tree.

As we walked through the gate to the backyard, I was fairly certain my jaw dropped. Harry had out done himself and I was extremely surprised.

He was the master of surprises, I now believed.

"I sort of went crazy with the white Christmas lights," Harry commented on his decor.

"I love it!"

"Really?" Harry sounded like a little boy asking if his mother actually liked her mother's day 'macaroni rainbow' present.

"Harry, I am quite impressed with your decorating skills and think you should go into designing," I joked.

"Oh, why thank you," he smiled, "However, I would love to be a singer someday, but that's highly unlikely."

"A singer? That's amazing!" I beamed.

"Yeah, well, uhmm thanks," Harry shrugged then took my hand. He lead me over to a different picnic blanket than the one at the dock. I sat between his legs and he wrapped his arms around my waist as we watched the night sky.

"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations," I whispered.

"I see you have read "The Fault in Our Stars." It's an amazing story," Harry commented.

"One of the absolute best," I paused for a moment then continued, "This may sound crazy, but I feel like we are August and Hazel just without the you know....."

"Yeah, I know," he smiled, "I feel the same way. If that's the case, what is our 'okay'?"

I thought about it for a moment then turned to look him in the eyes, "Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Exactly."

"What?"

"Maybe is our okay," I explained.

"Okay?"

"No, maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"No, maybe."

"Yes, no, maybe so."

I laughed, "Alright, the word 'maybe' is our 'okay'. Okay?"

"Maybe?"

"Maybe." 

We both laughed and continued on watching the glistening stars, all of my favorite TFiOS quotes rattling in my brain.

I like this.

I like us.

 

 

"So, tell me about your family. What are they like?" Harry questioned as I re-positioned myself on the blanket so I was facing him.

"Well, my sisters, I call them 'my girls', are a crazy group. They like to sing and dance when our mom is out running errands and they try to get me to join them, I normally do. They each are a bundle of happiness and sunshine, I don't know what I'd do without them. My mother is very understanding. She knows basically everything there is to know about me and I go to her with anything I need to talk about. She's the best mother a boy could ask for," I finished with a wide grin.

"What about your dad?"

My smile instantly vanished.

"Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, sorry," Harry tried to apologize once he sensed my mood change.

"No, no, it's fine," I took a deep breath, "My father isn't a nice man, Harry. He isn't nice at all. He beat my mom for as long as I can remember. Then he beat me when I was very young. He would ridicule my sisters, especially Lottie. He-he did things to me, Harry. He did other things besides punch and kick me and taunt me. But-but I deserved all of it," I began to cry at the many memories of my dad waking me up in the middle of the night after multiple drinks and probably one or two smokes. I cried at the memory of the pain he brought me. I cried as Harry brought me closer to him, kissing the top of my head and whispering sweet nothings to calm me down.

I cried through his sayings of 'I love you'.

 

Once my sobs had gone, I looked up to Harry so see him looking down at me, "I'm sorry," I whispered. He kissed me before he replied, "There's nothing to be sorry about." 

"I'm sorry for breaking."

"Oh, Louis, everyone breaks at some point in time. You're just human, it's natural," he left a kiss on my forehead then spoke, "You know, Lou, I always knew you were strong and now I know how strong you are. You're amazing. None of the things he said to you were true and you sure as hell didn't deserve the things he did to you. You deserve none of it. The only things you deserve are those that bring you happiness and make you feel loved. I hope I'm one of those things." 

"You are, oh God, you are. You make me so, so happy. You make me feel loved. You make me feel everything. You're beautiful, Harry-your looks and especially your personality. I love you so, so much."

Harry smiled slightly and kissed me lightly one more time, "I love you more."

Doubtful.


	9. Chapter Nine

Dear friend,

I apologize for not sending you any letters in the last week or two, let me try to explain it to you. You see, I am an absolute mess. Rehearsals are everyday and we extended hours. I'm stressed out about my academic classes, friends, and drama. On top of everything else, I haven't been exactly "right". 

Something is terribly wrong.

But I refuse to pay attention, because I'm to caught up in everything else going on in my ever so busy life.

 

"Hey," Harry greeted as we walked up to my door, helping me with my few things and grabbing my hand as we walked, "How did you sleep?"

He knew of my recent troubles, but I wasn't going to make it a burden for him; not going to worry him, "I slept perfectly fine, even better than my other nights," I lied. I hated lying to him, but it was for his own good. I'm only trying to protect him from...me.

"Really?! That's great, Lou!"

He fell for it every time.

I nodded as I hopped into his car, just another day; just another hell, "How are things at home?" 

Harry had recently told me about his own life issues. His dad and mum aren't together, yet they live in the same house because his mum can't afford an apartment. He told me that there's lots of yelling and that some nights he wishes he was all alone or somewhere with me. I felt the same way. We both need our escape and we find it in each other. 

 

"They're alright. Mum is finally starting to work, she starts today actually. Do you want to visit her after school?"

"Of course! And you know what this is?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, my smile spreading.

"An adventure?"

"Yes, an adventure!"

 

Harry's mum is extremely kind and caring. When I'm over at their place, she constantly asks if she can get us anything and sometimes she invites me to stay for dinner. However, she is not at all that way while she's at work.

She works as a bar manager now and makes it seem like it's THE most important job to allow people the opportunity to become wasted. While we were there, she screamed and argued with so many workers that I'm amazed that she actually got the job; her people skills aren't that great. Nonetheless, she is a good leader and I know she won't take shit from anybody, she'll get the job done.

We visited her for a while, got a drink (a non-alcoholic drink) and then left, walking down main street, window shopping. We walked in a peaceful silence for a while, before the pain started to take over and I had to stop for a moment.

"What's wrong, Lou?!" Harry questioned, worry wavering in his words.

"It's nothing, just a minor headache, it caught me off guard," I explained, lying yet again. It was a huge migraine that I knew would come at the wrong moment, I just wish it didn't.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I'm probably just tired, that's all."

Lie.

LieLieLieLieLie

We sat on a bench at Harry's suggestion and Harry forced me to take a few sips of a bottled water we bought. It actually helped and I smiled once the water was gone, assuring him I was absolutely fine. He decided I needed rest, concluding our adventure, and took me home. He laid me in my bed, cuddled me for a long while and before I knew it, I was washed away by my flood of thoughts and dreams. 

 

My dream was a flash of pictures of events. Like all my other dreams, they ended with me waking confused, sad, and in pain.

"How'd you sleep?"

"I slept perfectly fine, even better than my other nights."

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I'm probably just tired, that's all."

"Are you lying?"

"Yes."

"Louis! I thought you'd never lie to me!"

"I was doing it for you. I don't want you to worry about me!"

"It's okay if I worry about you, because we are a couple and significant others feel worried when the other isn't feeling good. You should know this, Lou," his voice was soft and sweet yet I knew anger was bubbling inside him.

"I'm sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry!" My dream self began to sob. The pain began to increase, cuing me to wake up. My eyes opened quickly then shut just as fast. I grabbed my head and brought my legs to my chest, rocking back and forth, tears forming wet rivers on my cheeks, "I'm sorry," I whispered into the darkness, "I'm so sorry." 

 

Harry left sometime during the night, he wasn't there to comfort me, which I was glad. I didn't want to worry him and I didn't want him to know I had lied when I said it was getting better. It was getting worse if anything else, but he didn't have to know. I'll keep on lying.

"Hey, Honey, how are you?" Mum asked as I walked into the kitchen. She stood at the stove frying eggs and bacon. The toast popped and I went to butter it, but Mum waved her hand, "I'll get it. You sit and wait to be served." She was always one to do things herself.

"Hi, Lou!" The twins cheered running into the room, bringing me into a twin sand which.

"Hey! How are my beautiful girls?" I smiled, the pain masked with a smile, but I was genuinely happy to see my little sisters.

"We're good!" They answered in the same tone at the same time. Sometimes their twinness really terrified me.

"Ughhh!" We all turned our heads to see a very upset Lottie, "I really, really hate Mondays," she grunted. We all laughed and continued on with our morning, getting ready for school and soon leaving.

 

 

"Hey, Tomlinson!"

"Hi, Louis!"

"Whaddup, Lou?"

People greeted as I walked down the hallways. I smiled and said hello back, complimenting them, then going on my way. I only turn when I hear a distinct Irish accent.

"LOU!"

A teenage body jumped onto my back and I took a step forward, trying to hold on to him as we piggy-backed throughout the halls, "So what did you need?" I asked, laughing along with Niall.

"I just needed to get away from Zayn and his 'lil buddy' also, I need you to take me somewhere," Niall explained all too fast.

"Where do you need me to take you?"

"Library."

"The library?! GASP, Niall are you actually going to study for once?!" I teased.

"You'll have to see when we get there, I just want to visit the library."

"Alright, then, to the library we go!" I cheered, walking a bit faster.

When we made it to the entrance of the library, I could smell the books, old and new, and smiled. This had to be one of my favourite places on Earth. 

"Louis," a voice whispered, "Over here," I set Niall down and walked toward where the voice was coming from. 

"Harry! What are you doing in the library?! Don't tell me you have another picnic planned," I chuckled. 

Harry blushed, "No...Not at all," he hid something behind his backpack, and I assumed it was his famous picnic basket, "So....What do you want to do now that my plans have been changed by one sassy comment from Mr. I-Don't-Like-Picnics."

"Well, don't get that way, Harry."

"You didn't even give me a chance!"

"Alright, fine, we'll have our library date."

"Good, because I was able to get the library all to ourselves so you know what that means, right?"

"Book sex?"

"LOUIS!" he whispered-yelled, looking around the room, "Not at all what I was thinking, but hey we could do that later," Harry winked.

"Okay, then what are your actual plans?"

"Well, we'll just have to see," Harry smirked. As the kids filed out of the library, the sun set and it was soon early evening. The librarian, Mrs. Doubtfire, said her good-byes and told Harry and I what to do at the end of our special evening, "Goodnight, Nora!" Harry yelled. Mrs. Doubtfire shook her head and left us to be by ourselves.

"Good friends, I see?" I asked referring to our school librarian.

"Oh, great friends! My mother and her are actually quite close," Harry explained, "But we aren't here to talk about my mother and her friends, we are here to have a wonderful evening filled with laughter and love. We will start the night off soon. First, you must put this on as I prepare," Harry handed me a blind fold and I patiently waited.

"It smells like cake, Harry. Oh my gosh! Do you have cake?" I exclaimed.

"You'll just have to see," Harry replied and I knew he was smiling, "Okay give me just one more moment and I'll be right with you, my dear Louis."

"Whatever you say, Mr. Styles," it was then my turn to smile as I heard him rummage around. I heard footsteps walking toward me and tilted my head up, a wide grin on my face, waiting for Harry to take off the material that was blocking my vision. I wanted to see him. I wanted to feel him. I wanted him.

I needed him.

"Louis William Tomlinson," Harry began as he slowly untied the blindfold, "Hello."

I then realized that this was our very first greeting. Of course we had always said 'hi' and 'hey', the usual conversation starter through text message, but this was something completely different. The first time we saw each other, there were no words spoken. The second time he was upset at me for getting the part of Ren. Not once did we ever greet each other with 'hello'. The thing about us was that we never really needed to. We just....knew.

We knew what the other was thinking. We knew how the other was feeling. We knew nearly everything about each other in only a short amount of time. The way we fit together like puzzle pieces sometimes amazed me. The way we naturally gravitated toward one another was something I had never felt before. It felt nice.

It felt like love.

Before Harry, I lived a life where I didn't know what the feeling of love felt like. I wasn't aware of how many people loved me, because I was too busy caring about everyone else. I didn't know what a love like this would feel like.

And it felt absolutely amazing.

"Hello," I whispered, sneaking in a kiss before he lead me to a picnic blanket.

"Okay, I know you don't like picnics-"

"I love picnics," I mumbled to myself.

"But just bear with me, babe," Harry let me sit down before him and I looked around the room, taking in the scent and sight of the few candles he lit, "So we'll start off the evening with your favorite meal then my favorite dessert, because it's only fair."

I laughed, "Whatever you say, love."

We ate our dinner, quietly conversing, and once we were finished, Harry placed two bowls out in front of us along with a tub of ice cream. Cookies 'N Cream. Of course it was. "I know how much you like Cookies 'N Cream," Harry smirked.

"Oh I do?"

"Mmhmm," Harry dished us some ice cream and we indulged into the sweet taste. Harry dipped his finger into the whipped cream he happened to carry with him and swiped it on my nose. I giggled (yet again) and pretty soon we were an ice cream mess. 

"I love you," Harry said quietly as he kissed me sweetly, sweeter than the ice cream. 

 

"I love you more," I replied, even quieter.

I kissed him once again and our lips were moving against each other's quickly. Harry bit my lip and I let his tongue enter my mouth. He didn't waste much time before leaving sloppy kisses down my neck and biting at my soft spot. Harry slowly took off my shirt, along with his own, and gently laid me down on the picnic blanket. He kissed down my stomach and licked at my naval.

"Harry! That tickles!" 

"I know, that's the point," Harry smiled into my skin as he left one last kiss, "I need to tell you something before we...." he let his sentence trail off.

"What is it?"

"You," he paused as if trying to think of the right words to say, "You make me feel so...so happy." He looked straight into my eyes as he continued, "I've never felt this way with anyone before. I've never been myself around anyone else. I know this sounds cheesy, but you make me a better person. You make me see the good things about me and the world. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're just....you're just so, different. And when I say I love you, I really hope you know I mean it. I love you, I love you, I love you."

Tears of joy swelled in my eyes as Harry spoke-he surely knew how to please a boy, "I-I..thank you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I freaking love you! Dear goodness, I absolutely love you, Harry Edward Styles. I love you and I'll never stop loving you."

"I'll always love you."

"Always?"

"Always."

If only he meant it.


	10. Chapter Ten

Dear friend,

The performance is exactly eight-teen days away. Eight-teen days. And I am freaking out. I know my lines, of course, but I'm afraid the nerves will get to me and everything will just go down hill. I just hope nothing bad happens before the show.

My phone buzzed and I immediately woke up to answer, 6:37 A.M.. I was happy to see that it was Harry and not my mother reminding me that it was Thursday and she wasn't going to be home until 7:00.

Harry: Hey.

Me: Hi.

Harry: We're still on for tonight, right?

Me: Well I thought so, but if you're busy then it's fine.

Harry: No, no! I was just checking. :)

Me: Alright.....

Harry: Did you make any plans for the night?

Me: No. Oh, crap, it's my turn to plan an adventurous date, isn't it?

Harry: Nooo! I got this! I can do this, young Tomlinson.

Me: Oh you do?

Harry: Yes, of course! Why wouldn't I, the amazing Harold Styles, have an adventure planned?

Me: Well, I thought that maybe you are done with planning all the surprises and such.

Harry: I will never be "done" with surprising you.

Me: Really? :)

Harry: Duh.

Me: "Duh." How boyfriend of you.

Harry: Oh, my sweet, sweet, Louis. You know how much I love you.

Me: Maybe.

Harry: Maybe?

Me: Maybe.

Harry: I love you.

Me: I love you, too.

I ended the conversation once I turned off my phone and threw it onto my bed, preparing for the day ahead of me.

 

"Hey, do you wanna hang out tonight? Niall's busy with 'family time' and Zayn has a date or whatever," Liam explained.

"I would love to hang out with you, but Harry has plans."

"Again?"

"I know! He's absolutely crazy! Is there anyone else you want to hang out with?"

"Naw, not really, maybe I'll hang out with the team. They were all going to a party. I guess Dark Matthews, you know the Quarter Back, is throwing it, the party that is. I heard it's supposed to be THE party of the year," Liam explained.

"I think you should go. You've been attached to Niall for the past two months, I think you can take a break for a while, eh? Go out and enjoy yourself and see what life has to offer," I winked.

"Freak."

"You love me," I smiled, winking again.

"You suck."

"We suck," I winked, yet again. I loved playing with Liam, it was always a good time and I knew exactly what to do in order to annoy him.

"Louis!"

"Okay, okay, serious time. I honestly believe you should go and enjoy yourself for a night. Niall's out with his parents, why don't you go and do something yourself, eh?"

"Alright, yeah, you're right. I'll go," Liam smiled with his final decision.

"Wonderful!"

"Hey, Lou!" I turn to look and see a head of curls running toward me, oh Harry.

"I'll see you later, Louis," Liam waved and I turned to speak to Harry.

"Okay, so, I wanted to do something with you tonight," Harry explained quickly.

"Oh?"

"But not that."

"Okay."

"I wanted to build something with you. You know like a bird house or something, just, you know, something."

"Well, that sounds like it would be enormous amounts of fun. I would love to build something with you, Harry," I replied with a smile. Harry pecked me on the cheek and lead me to my next class. I wondered what he wanted to build. What special meaning did he want this thing to possess? Goddammit it's Harry, obviously he has some kind of secret meaning behind this thing.

 

I need to know, my dear friend, if you have ever had headaches so immense that you wish you could simply detach your skull from your body and throw it at something. Yes it sounds absolutely crazy, but that is how I am feeling now.

It's the middle of English and Mr. Martin is speaking to the whole class, explaining an absolutely NEW project that is due at the end of next week. I sit alone in the corner of the room next to the lad that had repaired Zayn's broken heart and Zayn himself. The room is spinning, my classmate's whispers becoming loud noises that are fading into air. Then suddenly there is a piercing sound that echoes my ears and I am forced to look up from my marked desk to a very annoyed Mr. Martin.

"Mr. Tomlinson! Please answer the question that is on the white board," he demanded. When I did not reply, too distracted to even come up with a simple reply, he spoke again, "Quickly now, Mr. Tomlinson, we don't have all day!"

"I-I need to see the nurse," I stated.

"There's not time for that, class is near over, you can go afterwards. Now, please answer the given question." I do admit that I haven't exactly been on Mr. Martin's good side lately. I have been spacing off in class and not turning in certain assignments on time. I believe he is becoming irritated.

I wish I could tell him it's not me and it's whatever is going on with my body, but he would never believe me.

"Charles Dickens," I replied, inwardly groaning. I wanted to leave. I needed to leave. I needed fresh air, a place to breath. I couldn't breath when the whole world was crushing me to pieces.

"Wrong. Can anyone else answer the question please?" Mr. Martin called on someone else, walking around the room when I felt a hand land on my shoulder. I flinched, but looked up to see Zayn's beautiful brown eyes. They were just as I remembered-absolutely stunning. I paid close attention to his lips as he began to mouth words.

"You alright?"

I nodded.

"You sure?"

I shook my head.

"Louis...."

He didn't have to mouth anymore. He knew me well enough to know I didn't want to talk about things like this, I didn't want to seem selfish. He knew that I hate putting myself before others, and he knew that it is my greatest disadvantage.

We returned to the class and once the bell signaled that class was adjourned, I sprung out of my seat. I raced down the hallways, escaping the hell that drove me insane and the demons that are always lurking.

I went running into Harry's arms, surprising him, "What's wrong?" He asked concerned. I shook my head into his chest, he didn't need to know, "You sure you're alright?" I nodded. "Can we leave now?" I could hear the smile in his voice and nodded once again, "Good," he kissed me sweetly on the lips and we were on our way.

I really wanted to know the meaning.

 

"I have a plan," Harry stated, spreading blueprints across his kitchen table, "Although, I'm thinking we'll do this one. What do you think?" Harry said as he moved papers around. I was astonished by what he wanted to build, but I guess it wasn't impossible.

"Really, that? You want to build that? You expect me to be able to build that?!" I asked, slightly amazed by how much faith he has in me.

"Of course! I feel like it will be fun, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but Harry-"

"But Harry, nothing. Come on, Lou," Harry nearly begged.

"Do you have all the materials?" I asked, giving in to him and his cuteness, as always.

"That's the fun part! We have to go buy them then assemble it!" Harry really does have more energy than any other teenager I know, which is just one of the things I love about him.

After agreeing to get the needed supplies, and milkshakes, Harry and I finally made it to our local Homedepot. We were greeted by a kind young lad who explained where we'd find wood. We started off toward our destination, but I was too caught up in my own thoughts that I failed to notice a piece of lumber sticking out in the walkway. Being the clumsy person I am, ended up tripping over the piece of wood and twisted my ankle.

Harry rushed to my side, insisting that he carry me, but I refused. I didn't need his help; I didn't need anybody's help. I stood, as best as I could, and began to limp next to Harry.

"Stop," his voice was demanding and honestly scared me for a second, "I don't care what you say, I'm giving you a piggy-back ride. Now, hop on," Harry lowered himself in order for me to jump on.

Once we made it to the lumber yard, after our many inconveniences, Harry sat me down on the cool floor as he chose out 2x4's, 2x6's, and 2x10's. He loaded each piece of lumber onto the moving cart, "Are you alright to walk?" He asked, helping me up.

"I'll be perfectly fine. I'm alright," I explained. In truth, I felt lightheaded and my head began to hurt, yet another headache was on the way

We walked up to one of the cashiers waiting at the check out and paid. The cashier stared at our moving cart and raised an eyebrow, "What are you two building?" She inquired as she came around to scan the bar-codes of each item.

"A tree house," Harry replied with a smile.

"But it's not really a tree house," I added.

She looked confused, but shrugged it off continuing to scan the items we were purchasing. The total came to $120.00 and Harry paid. I made a mental note to pay back half. We soon returned to Harry's and unloaded his father's truck (his dad actually trusted him enough not to damage it). We laid out the wood in his backyard as Harry followed the instructions he got off WikiHow.com.

"These instructions are shit! What the hell does 'Subtract the measurement from 10', halve the rest, and mark the distance from one end of the 2x10.' even mean?" Harry complained.

I looked over the instructions and pat Harry on the back, "Babe, this is for if you're actually putting it in a tree. We aren't so just disregard the subtracting part."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Harry, I'm sure," I smiled. He replied with a 'fine' and we were back to work, trying to figure out what to change to the instructions to fit our plans for our Not Really A Tree-house Tree-house.

We had a plan of what to do and everything laid out, when Harry's mother called us in for dinner. We decided we didn't really need to finish the tree-house quickly so we instead spent the rest of our night indoors watching comedies and cuddling.

Harry pressed his nose against my neck and held me closer to him. I snuggled closer to him, focusing on the sound of his heart thumping against his chest, "You know, Louis Tomlinson, I love you dearly, right?" I nodded and looked up to face him as he continued, "And you love me too, right?" I nodded once again, he was beginning to scare me, but I listened to what else he had to say, "Then you won't mind if I do this." I was about to question what he was going to do but was then flipped over.

Harry tickled my sides, my thighs, and my feet. All his actions making my giggle and squeal, "Harry, stop that!"

I didn't have time to play with him though, because soon enough my head felt heavy and my vision was blurring. I didn't respond when Harry said he was just playing. Instead, I heard him ask me if I was alright and I replied with my eyes closed, "I'm fine, just got a little dizzy for a second, I'm good," I smiled weakly trying to play it off. Surely Harry would fall for it. "I think it's time I go home. Can you drive me?"

 

The pain is increasing.

The headaches and the heartache are becoming unbearable. I can't stand it. I can't stand the throbbing of my head. I can't stand lying to Harry. I can't stand any of it.

I tried to sleep once Harry brought me home and I got ready for bed, but I was interrupted. I was either thinking about how I lied to Harry so many times or how bad my headache is, focused on the physical pain. I had thoughts of dying in my bed, hot, sweaty and in so much pain. The though nearly made me vomit.

My head throbbed as I got out of bed and tried to stand. I collapsed onto the bed. There was no way I'd be going to school today. Did I even have school today?

I attempted to stand again, but I couldn't see clearly and felt paralyzed. I sat down and called for my mum. It was a faint yell, but I knew she'd hear; she was always worried about me. As suspected, mum rushed into the room and fell in front of me. I finally allowed myself to cry, falling to the floor and pulling my legs to my chest. My mother wrapped my in a hug, rocking my back and forth as she did when I was smaller. I cried harder into her shoulder as she tried to quiet me.

I needed help.

We, my mother and I, sat in the hospital room that a young nurse lead us to. My tears had dried long ago, but the pain was worse. I tried as well as I could to make things seem not as bad, but nothing was working.

The pain never left.

A doctor soon cam in, not soon enough, and she asked me the level of pain I was feeling. I said it was only a nine; ten is if you're dying, I am not dying. She then asked where it hurt-where it was most painful, in order to get a better idea of what must be happening to me. I told her of the headaches, my confusions, my blurred vision, everything. The look on her face scared me. The blood rushed out of her cheeks, yet she tried to smile faintly.

She then sighed before speaking of medical terms and procedures, but two words spoken were stuck in my head.

Brain tumor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think so far! I want to thank you all for reading, voting, and commenting. You're all so amazing and sweet! What do you think is going to happen next? Will Louis ever tell Harry the truth? What will happen if Louis does tell the truth? Just a few questions I'm wondering how you'll answer to. :) Thanks again! Love you all! -M


	11. Chapter Eleven

Dear friend,

I believe there comes a moment in everyone's life where they realize that they aren't forever, that they are not immortal and that they will one day die. I think we should remember this so we know that 'life is for the living so you better live it or you're better off dead' (just to quote one of my favorite songs). I think these lyrics are true to every body. You can't just watch life pass you by, otherwise, what's the point to living, right?

I feel like I have finally seen how precious life is, how important it is to live every day like it's your last. And yes, it sounds a bit cheesy and stupid, it probably is, but it is true. You shouldn't waste time, you shouldn't throw your life away.

I say this all because the doctor wasn't sure if there was a tumor or not. And I was hoping they were wrong and that I was fine, just a little unhealthy. I didn't want to have a cancerous tumor implanted in my brain.

I didn't want to die.

There was the possibility that I am not, but the doctors would have to perform multiple procedures in order to know if I even had a tumor and to also see what they can do to help me. My General Practitioner (GP) performed an examination, checking my vitals and whatever else. They referred me to a oncologist, a person who specializes in cancer treatment. Then they explained that they will have to perform a detailed examination of my nervous system which included: mental exercises, eye examination, hearing test, facial muscle tests, gag (swallow) reflex and tongue movement, a strength and reflexes test, and, finally, a balance and coordination test.

I hoped everything would be alright, I didn't want to go through the emotional and physical damage cancer brings. I didn't want to hurt my family or my friends. I didn't want to be something everyone would avoid or get to close to, because I'd blow up in their face.

I know I'm not making sense, I apologize; I'm doing my best.

They went through with all of the tests, not giving me any results and then said that I would have to come back for an MRI scan. They explained that this 'magnetic resonance imaging' scan would give a detailed picture of the brain and help them see where the tumor is located IF there is one.

We scheduled an MRI scan for the following week and returned back home. Mum nor myself told the girls of what happened. We simply said I had to go in for my yearly medical examination and left it at that. They didn't need to know I was possibly dying and that their big brother might leave them sooner than expected.

 

Harry called a few days later. He asked why I wasn't in class and I lied and said that I had come down with the flu and needed time to rest and recover.

He bought it, just like he bought every other lie.

We hung up after our 'I love yous' and I went back to trying to sleep. I haven't gotten but four hours of sleep in the past three days or nights and I felt like your stereotypical zombie--groggy and grumpy.

Buzz...Buzz....BuzzBuzzBuzzzzzz....

I opened my eyes to see Harry's name flashing across my cell phone screen, another call.

"Heylo?" I said rubbing my eyes and sitting up waiting for Harry to speak.

"Ohmigosh! Did I wake you up? I am so sorry! I shouldn't have called," Harry rambled.

"Harry, you're fine. Now what is it that you need, babe?" I questioned in efforts to get him to the point.

"I just wanted to see if you'd be able to go to the zoo tonight. They're doing that "Zoo Lights" thing and I know how badly you wanted to go to that," Harry explained.

I had mentioned the lights in a conversation months in advanced, but I didn't think he'd pay attention to such a small detail.

"Harry, that was months ago!"

"I know, but I still want to take you. C'mon! It could be so much fun! But only if you're up to it. You have to make sure you don't have a fever, you aren't puking, and that you are in the mood to have fun."

I smiled at Harry's enthusiasm, he sure was cute, "Alright, alright, I'll go. And just to let you know, I am not puking and do not have a fever anymore. But I am in the mood to have fun with you."

"Why thank you! I'll be over in ten to pick you up. Dress warm and maybe bring a blanket or two," Harry reminded me and then he hung up.

"God, Harry, it's fucking cold out here!" I complained, hugging myself to try to stay warm.

"I told you to dress warm."

"I did!"

"Please, that coat is not near enough! Here you can wear one of my sweatshirts," Harry offered up one of his three sweatshirts, putting it over my head and helping me put my arms in. It seemed to help, but only in the slightest manner.

"We can go and see the hippos now if you want," I suggested, grabbing his hand to lead the way.

"Before we go, can I ask you something?" Harry's voice dropped and he frowned slightly.

"Sure, what's up?" I was concerned now, had I do something wrong? Does he know about me lying?

"Why are you lying to me about being 'okay'?" He asked, looking me straight in the eye, waiting for an answer.

I shifted on my feet and looked down at my freezing toes, "Harry-"

"Louis, I really care about you, you know that, and I just want to know the truth."

I knew this was it. I'd have to tell Harry about the doctor's appointment and what they said and the possible chance of me having cancer. I'd have to tell him everything. Everything. And that scared me shitless. I just wanted to protect him, but chances are I'd be hurting him in the end.

"Okay, I can explain..."

"I just want to know why you'd lie about being sick, when really it's the fact that you have to stay at home to get sleep. I just want to know if you're having the nightmares again or not."

So it wasn't about anything else?

"H-how did you know I wasn't at school because I was catching up on sleep?"

"I heard you and your mum talking about it when I was waiting in the living room. Plus, you aren't all that good at using foundation to cover up the bags under your eyes," Harry explained.

"Well, you're right. I have been needing to catch up on sleep so I'm skipping school," I replied. It wasn't exactly a lie. I mean, I wasn't staying at home for that reason specifically, but I was home trying to get some sleep while everyone else was in class.

"That's all I wanted to know. I want to make sure you're okay. And it's not because of the nightmares is it?"

I shook my head, "Nope." In reality, the nightmares had worsened, but, like everything else, he didn't need to know that.

We made our way to the hippo habitat among others. We held hands as we walked throughout the zoo. Harry bought us each a cup of hot cocoa and we sat on a bench looking at all the shining lights as we shivered. The night was perfect. Just him and me, not interruptions, no body there to tag-along. It was simple, not cliche and not overdone, just in between, balanced in a way.

I was able to sleep that night. I had the thought of Harry on my mind. However, I didn't think of the lies and possible betrayal. I thought only of his goofiness, his seriousness, along with his humbleness. I thought of the love he had for me and the love I had for him-the love we had for each other.

I was able to survive the night knowing I had someone like Harry to wake up to in the morning.

I didn't expect Harry to come over when my mother invited him to spend the day with us; for he had always been a bit nervous around her. I always told him there was nothing to be afraid about, she liked him as a person and her son's boyfriend, there was nothing to worry about.

He knocked on the door and I rushed over to answer, straightening out my shirt and checking my hair in the mirror on the way over, "Hey," I said when he burst in through the door.

"Hi," he said over excitedly.

"What's with you today? Why are you so...Happy?" I questioned. Normally, Harry would enter slowly and quietly, not wanting to seem too spontaneous and annoying for mu mum's liking. Today, however, he was ever so cheerful and it made me wonder what he was up to.

"I'm not exactly sure. I just woke up and I was this happy. Maybe it's the fact that I get to spend my whole day with the about the best boyfriend ever," Harry replied.

A blush creeped up my neck and was prominent on my cheeks. Sometimes I hated how easily it was Harry could embarrass me. Nonetheless, I loved the feeling of electricity that pulsed through my body when he grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers.

We sat on the couch while Mum made breakfast, she still didn't want any help. Now with my possible cancer, she insists that I get as much rest as possible and leave her to do all the work. However, I didn't let her do everything and I know it irritated her, because I wasn't being obedient, but I wanted to help her with the things I knew she wouldn't be able to do.

So Harry and I waited for Mum to call is in to the kitchen to eat breakfast. We passed time by starting a new T.V. series on Netflix and cuddling. And for the moment, I forgot about my possible illness and just enjoyed life and the things it had to offer.

Mum called us in for bacon, pancakes, and eggs which we devoured. Then Mum got a call and told us that she had to go to work because it was urgent. So we were left alone for the rest of the day, only left to remember to pick up the girls from their friends' houses.

"What shall we do for the next few hours?" Harry asked with a smirk on his face.

I knew exactly what he wanted to do and I was up for it, but I don't think my body was. However, I couldn't try to lie to him yet again, it hurt too much.

"Hmm, I think I know what we can do," I answered. I pulled Harry closer to me and kissed him roughly.

We stumbled up the stairs to my bedroom. I ran my fingers through Harry's curls as he slipped his tongue into my mouth. Harry pulled away to take off his shirt and I followed suit.

Soon enough we were on my unmade bed just 'messing around' like we had done before we were considered to be a couple. It took me back to the times where I didn't have to worry about my health or my grades or my family. I was happier.

I didn't care that I had a headache or that I was feeling tired, I just wanted to feel a bit of relief;a break. Just one break. I let the feeling of Harry overwhelm me. I let him do what he wanted, because I wanted it too.

And I loved him.

 

We got the girls later on and then took them to the movies to pass time. They enjoyed it and surprisingly so did Harry and myself. I know that it took some things off my mind and I was able to focus on spending time with my girls and Harry. It was nice.

"That was awesome! Did you see when..." One of the twins began but the other interrupted.

I smiled to myself and took Harry's hand in mine. I overlooked the stares and glares we got from strangers as we made our way to the car. I was probably dying anyway so it really didn't matter.

Once we got home, the girls we t up to their rooms and Harry and I worked on making dinner. We threw together a tuna casserole, green beans, fruit salad, and a small treat for dessert.

Mum's car pulled into the drive way and the girls came screaming down the stairs, "Mum's home! Mum's home!" they chanted with each step.

I smiled, crossing my arms as Mum walked in through the door hugging each of the girls on her way to the kitchen, "What smells so good?" Mum asked as the girls bombarded her with explanations of their days.

"Harry and I actually made dinner this fine evening," I answered.

"Wow, I guess I better have you come over more often, Harry," Mum said as she greeted Harry with a hug.

"Well, it was Louis' idea," Harry explained, blushing slightly. There's the awkward Harry I know.

"Isn't that kind of him?" Mum looked up at me and grinned, "Louis, can you come talk to me for a moment?"

I nodded and Mum lead me out of the kitchen and into the living room, "Have you told him?" I shook my head 'no'. "Harry you need to tell him."

"I know," I whispered, "I just can't tell him, Mum. I can't hurt him, not yet."

"Louis--"

"I will. Trust me on this one."

She gave me the questioning look every Mum gives her child and turned to go back into the kitchen.

We had our dinner and played a few board games that evening and soon enough Harry had to leave. We said our good-byes at the door and kissed once more and then he was on his way. I sighed as I turned and made my way up to my bed room, hearing Mum's voice as I walked away, "You'll have to tell him."

 

It was Wednesday, which meant it was the day of my MRI appointment. I admit I was nervous and slightly scared. I wasn't sure what to expect. Mum signed me in and we waiting patiently with all the other patients. My name was called after thirty minutes and Mum and I stood to follow a nurse.

We were lead to a room with a huge machine, or scanner I suppose. It was doughnut shaped and had a tunnel in the center. Even though it was just a machine, it was extremely intimidating.

"You'll have to go into that little room over there and undress. You can put this on and then come back out," the nurse said, handing me a set of those extremely uncomfortable, paper-like hospital gowns, "Oh, and if you have anything metal or otherwise, please leave it in the small cubby in the room. You can retrieve your things later." 

I nodded, walking over to the room and entering. It was slightly warmer than it was in the other room and even more empty. There was only a sink, the cubby the nurse was talking about, and a few chairs. I quickly emptied my pockets and took off my clothing, throwing all items into the cubby. I took a deep breath before opening the door and returning to my mother and the same nurse.

They were conversing and I didn't want to interrupt, but Mum stopped talking once she saw me. The nurse turned and smiled, which made me cross my arms over my chest. I was extremely uncomfortable right now.

"Are you cold?" The lady asked. I nodded once again and she went to get a blanket and returned, "Alright, I'm going to have to have you lay down on this table."

I lifted myself onto the table and slowly laid down. The surface was freezing and sent a shiver up my spine. The nurse threw the blanket over the lower half of my body. Then she grabbed something that was shaped like an egg, "I'm going to have you hold this in your right hand. You only squeeze it if something is wrong such as you feel claustrophobic or anything of the sorts. Are you ready, Mr. Tomlinson?" 

I wanted to say 'no'. Of course I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to be told I was officially dying. I didn't want to go into this doughnut-shaped killer. I didn't want to do it. Not at all.

But I had to.

I had to know I was dying for sure. I had to know the truth. I had to know if there was anything I could do to save myself. I had to do this, there was no backing out.

"Yes," I whispered. It was barely audible, but it was out there, and the nurse nodded.

"I just want you to stay calm, try not to move and you'll be fine," the nurse explained, "Mr. Scott is going to take care of you now."

A man, Mr. Scott I assumed, stepped forward and began to list off everything that was going to happen, "We're going to put these next over your ears so it blocks out the sound of the scanner and to help you stay in place. This is going to go over your head," he lifted up something that looked to be a cross between an astronaut's helmet and a footballer's head gear.

Mr. Scott then proceeded to put the cushion-like things over my ears and the head gear over, well, my head. He gave a thumbs up and I nodded as best as I could. Mum came and looked down at me with a smile and I knew she was trying hard not to cry, after all, I was her only baby boy. She sweetly kissed my hand and then stepped back.

The table began to move and I was being sucked into the giant doughnut. I tried my hardest not to move, and I did a fairly good job. The machine must have been awfully noisy, considering I could faintly hear it working and I had the ear cushions. I don't know how long I was in there, it must have been far more than thirty minutes. At one point I had began to doze off, but was soon awakened when I realized where I was.

Then the machine was stopping and the table was moving out of the suffocating tube and I was able to breath new air. Mr. Scott returned and took off the head gear and ear cushions. I was able to sit up and stretch for a few seconds before I got extremely dizzy.

"Dizziness is normal. You'll be alright," Mr. Scott explained. He told me to go back and get dressed, saying that the results will take a day or two to process and conclude.

I went back to the small room, dressing once again and taking out my other personal items. I grabbed the necklace Harry had given to me a while ago, God, how long was it? A month? Two? Time sure does fly.

I played around with the necklace, smiling to myself and remembering the 'good ole days' when I didn't have to lie to Harry about how I felt or what I was thinking. I was 100% honest with him; there was nothing to hide.

I put the necklace around my neck and let it dangle, today was the first day I had ever taken it off and it felt unusual to have it off. I felt incomplete without it. I sighed, putting my phone in my back pocket and reached for my coat.

We'd know the truth soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.: I really hoped you liked this chapter. I'm sorry if my description of the MRI scene wasn't accurate or it was difficult to understand. What do you think the results are going to be? How will Louis react?
> 
> Thanks for reading and your support. I really appreciate all of you! :) -M


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.: This is a shorty, like extremely short, but it's mainly for the plot of the story! I hope you guys understand :) -M

Dear friend,

We just got the news.

The terrifying truth was finally told.

And I have never cried so much in my life.

The doctors, or whoever the hell it was, explained that I was diagnosed with Pinealoma.

Normally, Pinealoma is associated with Parinaud’s syndrome which is a syndrome where the paitent can't move their eyes up and down. The syndrome develops due to destruction of region the pineal gland is located. Destruction of this region by a tumor that originates in the pineal gland can cause this visual disturbance.

The MRI revealed that my brain tumor is located right next to, if not then ON, the pineal gland in my brain. It was causing the frequent headaches and blurred vision. Basically, this freaking tumor was the main contributor to all of the pain I have been feeling recently.

We were told that the tumor was fairly small, like most near the pineal gland, and that it would have to be surgically removed. The process would be difficult, but do-able. A neurosurgeon would use some special microscopes to remove only the abnormal tissue and he would have to be sure not to remove the normal brain tissue that is important for optimal brain function.

After the tumor is removed, some other guy, I guess they're called a pathologist, examines the tissue of the tumor under a microscope to determine what types of cells were responsible for the tumor. Then I'll either go through radiation or chemotherapy for further treatment after the surgery.

 

So I guess you could say it was official; I was dying.

And no one could know.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Dear friend,

Dark, empty, cold, and dying is how I felt. I sat in my bed, dried tears on my cheeks, and waited. I had no clue what it was I was waiting for; maybe I was just waiting for death to take me.

My door slosly opened and the light from the outside world crept in, "Do you want anything to eat or drink, Sweetie?" Mum asked. Her voice was weak and I knew she hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, just as I had.

When we got word of my results, we both broke down into fits of tears. I twas hard to even begin to think that I had a cancerous thing in my body. It was even harder to believe that I was dying. So, it was difficult not to cry considering everything else.

Mum and I came home after the visit with the specialists to tell the girls what was going on. I felt bad for them, because they would have to watch their brother die and there wasn't much they could do about it. Hell, there was barely anything I could do. As we explained what had been happening, tears welled up into each of their eyes and they came over to give me a bear hug.

"No," I replied to my mother after a long pause, "No thank you."

Mum took a deep breath, "Louis, I know this is hard, believe me I know. But we can still get the help you need. We can make you better. We can--"

"Mum, please," I interrupted, "We can do everything the doctors tell us to, but what good will it do? I'll die anyways."

"Don't talk like that!" Mum snapped. I knew she didn't mean to, it was out of sadness, helplessness, and the want to help my cancer.

She cared.

"I don't want anything to eat or drink. Thank you anyways," I said calmly. I turned so my back was facing the door. I heard Mum's footsteps leave and the door click shut. I was once again left in the dark.

I shuffled around on my bed and pulled the covers around my body. I shivered until I was warmer and tried to fall asleep.

 

Voices circled around me as I stood in a dark, empty room. I could make each out; the voices of those I know, those I used to know, and those I love with everything in me.

"You're not even good at acting. The show will go on with out you," Mr. Walter's voice was heard.

"You're useless, Louis. There's no point in wasting so much money just to fix you," my father's voice bellowed throughout my dream.

"How can I call a liar my son? How can I be proud of someone who isn't proud of himself or anyone else? How could I possible love you?" Mum spoke.

"I don't now why I ever bothered to date you. You're a liar. You're a fucking stupid liar! My life would be better without you in it," Harry's voice echoed...

"I don't even love you."

I woke up covered in a nervous sweat and found myself in tears for the hundredth time that week. Could my dreams be true? Does Harry really not love me? Surely he loved me, he said he did. Then again, I said I was fine, but I wasn't.

My phone lit up and I was happy, yet scared, to see that it was Harry, "Hi?" I answered.

"Hey," his voice was hoarse and tired. It was actually really sexy like that.

"What's up?" I asked, wiping my tears away with my free hand.

"Uhm, I just....Lou, I can't sleep. I don't know why I called, I'm sorry," Harry explained. I could just imagine him in his bed, running his hand through his hair and shrugging.

"It's alright, I wasn't asleep anyways," I smiled slightly, trying to comfort him, "Do you want me to come over?" 

"No...No, you don't have to. I'll come over," I heard the shuffling and I figured Harry was putting on a pair of pants considering he only wore boxers to bed, "I'll be there in fifteen minutes. I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

 

Right when I opened the front door, Harry wrapped his arms around my waist and I threw mine aroud his neck. I snuggled into his chest and breathed in his cologne, "I missed you," I mumbled.

"I missed you too," Harry whispered and kissed the top of my head.

I hadn't seen or talked to Harry in a couple days, and yeah, it was kind of tearing me apart. I just wanted to hold him close to me and never let go, never face the tortures of the real world.

 

"I wanted to see you," Harry said as I closed the door behind him. He grabbed my hand and quietly lead me up the stairs to my bedroom, "I...I wanted to tell you I love you." 

"Harry, what's wrong? You're scaring me," I asked in a hushed voice.

"Lou," Harry took a deep breath, "Are you cheating on me?"

I looked at him, dumbfounded as he continued speaking, "You haven't texted me in five days. You haven't come to school in a week. You haven't been at drama either. Are you even going to be there for the performance? What's going on with you and why have you not taken the effort to communicate with me, your boyfriend?"

"I-I....Harry, I'm not cheating on you--"

"You hesitated! Obviously you are!"

"Harry, no!" I retorted, "I'm not cheating on you," I said a bit quieter, "I would never do that to you."

"Then what is it!"

"I can't tell you. I can't hurt you like that. I can't. I just can't."

"Louis! You can tell me anything and it would never hurt me. It hurts more when you don't tell the truth. It hurts when you lie to me," Harry replied, his voice becoming thinner with each word.

I had to come up with a lie and pronto otherwise Harry might just walk out of my life forever, or maybe this was the time to tell him the truth...

"Harry, I would do anything for you. I would die for you, kill for you, cry for you, you name it I'd do it."

"But you won't tell me the truth? Am I not trustworthy? Do you not trust me, is that what it is?"

"I trust you with my life. You have all my trust, absolutely all of it. I simply cannot hurt you. You have to believe me when I say that I am not cheating on you, I would never, in my entire lifetime, cheat on you. You have my whole heart. I love you more than I have ever loved somebody. I can't tell you what's going on right now, because I can hardly believe it myself, but I do promise I will tell you the truth. I'll tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth once I figure things out." 

"You promise?" 

"Cross my heart."

"And you'd never cheat on me?"

"Never ever ever ever ever."

"Alright," Harry sighed, "I'll give you some time and space to work everything out."

"Harry, I never said I wanted space, just some time. God, I'd rather be suffocated by you then watch you leave me."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Harry smirked and then tackled me onto the bed. I laughed as Harry ran his fingers up and down my sides, tickling me, "I love you so much, Tomlinson."

"I love you just the same, Styles." 

 

 

The next morning, I woke up with my head on Harry's chest, listening to the sound of his beating heart. It was peaceful and magical all at once. I sat up just a bit and kissed Harry's neck, before rubbing my nose against his, "Wakey-wakey, love."

Harry groaned as he stretched and opened his eyes, "Do I really have to get up?"

"Yes you do! It's Friday which means it's a school day and that's where we need to be in the next twenty minutes! Come on lazy bones!" I said throwing the covers off Harry and jumping out of bed. I took off my shirt and threw on a clean one (at least I hope it was clean) and did the same with my pants. Harry grabbed one of my bigger sweaters and put it on himself. It wasn't all that loose on him, but he still looked stunning in it.

"You wouldn't happen to have a pair of jeans that could fit me, do you?" Harry asked.

"Hmm, I think somebody's lucky for leaving his jeans the last time he came over," I smirked, tossing him his no-longer-orphaned jeans. We ran downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed a breakfast to go.

"Where do you think you're going, Louis? You know you have to--" Mum stopped mid-sentence, finally realizing that Harry was standing right next to me.

"We're going to school, Mum. I'll see you once you get home from work," I smiled. I went over to kiss her on the cheek and whispered in her ear, "I'll try my best, okay? No worries," I hugged her tight and waved good bye.

I'd be okay.

 

Halfway through my day I started to feel like shit. When lunch came, I wasn't able to force myself to eat, I was too tired.

"Lou, you aren't lookin' too good. Are you alright?" Liam questioned.

"Babe, are you alright?" Harry asked, rubbing my back in soothing circles.

"He doesn't look so good, mate," Niall added. He spoke as if I wasn't there which made me kind of sad considering, some day I probably won't be.

"Do you want to go to the nurse, Lou?" Harry persisted. 

I nodded weakly, "Yeah," I cleared my throat, "I-I, uhm, I should go," I answered. I grabbed my jacket and made my way out of the cafeteria to the nurse's office.

I could hear footsteps trailing behind me, but continued walking, trying not to cry, at least not in front of him, "What do you want, Harry?"

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing. I'm just tired and I feel like I have a fever, that's all. I'll be fine."

"Louis--"

"Harry," I took a deep breath, "I am fine."

"I know you don't really mean that. Just tell me what's wrong."

"I already told you, Harry," I took a deep breath, "And I told you I'm fine."

"Well, what hurts?"

"Nothing hurts!"

"Then why are you going to the nurse?"

"Harry," I paused, "I need some space."

He looked confused and slightly heartbroken. He was just trying to help and here I am pushing him away, "Just for the day? Or are you...." he trailed off.

"Just for now, I promise. Okay?" I walked towards him and pulled him into a hug. I didn't mean to scare him like that, but I did want him to know that I still loved and cared for him.

"Okay. I'll see you later?" He asked.

"Of course. I love you, you know."

"I love you, too."

"I'll see you later, no worries," I reminded him. I kissed him before walking down the hallway and turning to the right. After looking around the corner to make sure Harry wasn't still there, I sat down and pulled my legs to my chest. I slightly cried. Not because I had upset Harry or because of another head ache. I cried at the thought of me leaving Harry all alone.

Yes, he was physically strong. Yes, he was intelligent. Yes, he would do what was best for him. But what if he isn't emotionally strong? What if he does stupid things? What if he didn't do what was best for him?

But worse, what if he was able to forget everything about me and us?

The thought of him moving on from everything we ever had, killed me inside. I wanted him to remember me. I wanted him to love me even after I was gone. But I also wanted him to be happy once I left and I knew that he would have to move on, forget me, and leave our love behind him.

Yes, it was true and it still is: I am extremely selfish. And I wonder if selfishness ever goes away. 

 

 

I had called the director of the play to explain that I wouldn't be able to attend the performances. When they asked why I explained everything to them, making sure they promised not to tell any soul. They did and I trusted them with it. They said that Harry would be a perfect replacement. When I told them that Harry didn't know about me, they said that they would make sure he didn't hear of it. I prayed he didn't, at least not from somebody else.

Once that was handled I was able to hide underneath my covers and sleep for a short while until my phone was ringing.

"Hello?" I asked in a groggy voice. I was getting really tired of people interrupting the few nap times I had.

"Louis, I want to come over. We have to talk." 

\-------------------------------------------------

A.N.: (Ahh this is a long one, skip if you wish!) So how was that for a cliffhanger? The next chapter will be more exciting (at least I think so)! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry it wasn't the best, but I hope it kind of explained some things like how badly Louis wants to keep his secret all in Harry's best interest.

What do you think Louis should do? Should he just come out and tell the truth? Or should he keep hiding it until he POSSIBLY gets better? Also, who do you think called Louis and what do they want to talk about?

(IMPORTANT) I would also like to say that I have been doing research on medical procedures and medical conditions. I have been trying my best to keep this medically and scientifically correct as I go along. With that said, if you ever come across something that you think is wrong, please comment and tell me so I can do some research it and fix it if need be. I would greatly appreciate it!

Thank you so much for reading, I'm sorry this author note was so long, but there were a couple things I needed to touch base on before continuing on with the next chapter! Thanks for reading, commenting and voting! I love you all!! :) -M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N.: (Ahh this is a long one, skip if you wish!) So how was that for a cliffhanger? The next chapter will be more exciting (at least I think so)! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry it wasn't the best, but I hope it kind of explained some things like how badly Louis wants to keep his secret all in Harry's best interest.
> 
> What do you think Louis should do? Should he just come out and tell the truth? Or should he keep hiding it until he POSSIBLY gets better? Also, who do you think called Louis and what do they want to talk about?
> 
> (IMPORTANT) I would also like to say that I have been doing research on medical procedures and medical conditions. I have been trying my best to keep this medically and scientifically correct as I go along. With that said, if you ever come across something that you think is wrong, please comment and tell me so I can do some research it and fix it if need be. I would greatly appreciate it!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, I'm sorry this author note was so long, but there were a couple things I needed to touch base on before continuing on with the next chapter! Thanks for reading and commenting! :) -M


End file.
